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Hello, I am a 17 year old boy who is being raised by a single Mom. She is a great Mom but is a hoarder. If someone is giveing things away my mom is right there, whether she needs it or not. She saves things for all kinds of people even if they haven't asked for things. Our home is a diaster.
I have met a nice girl and I really like her and I would like her meet my mother, but I am so embarrased, and ashamed at the way we live in this clutter. I have tried to talk with Mom but she sees notheing wrong with the way we llive and she get so angry with me when I bring up the subject of all the clutter.
Even my aunt has tried to talk sense to her, but she won't listen.
I wish you lots of luck with reforming your mom's housekeeping habits. It's not an easy project. I know because I am not a naturally neat and organized person and some clutter doesn't bother me, so my kids (who are college age) help me keep up my routines. You are probably very wise to involve your aunt in your mother's housekeeping concerns too.
Some of our household routines I learned on a website called "Fly Lady" http://www.flylady.net/ Some of "Fly Lady's" ideas are a little 'out there' but most are adaptable to normal households. You might want to skim over it or share it with your mom. (Some homemaker-working women actually like the friends and support they get from the website).
I did see on one of the DIY TV shows that the need for collecting loads of 'things' and hanging on to them can be an 'obsession', as in an obsessive-compulsive disorder. If you think your mom's habits fall into this category, there is medical help for this and your family doctor can give you a resource for that remedy.
I wish you lots of luck both with your project and with your girl friend. (You sound like a nice young man.) t.
Maybe your friend could meet your mom at a neutral location, like a coffee shop, so the two potentially upsetting events ('upsetting' is not the right word, but I hope you know what I mean) occur in different times and places. She'll get to meet your mom and like her before she has to see your scary house.
I live in a scary house; I am 100% disabled and became so before my kids were old enough to learn how to be organized themselves. When they want to bring friends home, I'm the one who's embarrassed! They tell me everyone's house is like this.
I'm not sure you can change your mother... you can really only change yourself. I totally understand your feelings of shame, but I have known people like the way you describe your mother. Sometimes they change, and sometimes they don't. but it's not usually from other people trying to convince them.
I think that's a good idea to have your mom & girlfriend meet somewhere other than your house at first, that way you and your girlfriend will both feel more comfortable and if your mom deep down is also embarassed by the mess then she'll be more comfortable as well. If your relationship with this girl continues to develop and you reach the point where you need to bring her by the house, then you can explain to her about how your mom has a problem and why the house looks the way it does and I'm sure she'd understand (and if she doesn't, then I don't know that she's a good person to be with!)
If your mom isn't bothered at all by the clutter, then it's going to be hard to get her to change. There are a few types of people with messy houses--first there are some people who are just physically unable to keep up with things, doesn't sound like that's your mom though. Then there are the people who are bothered by the clutter and wish they could keep things neater, but just get overwhelmed by things. Those people deep down would love to have a neat clean house, but they don't know where to start, so things like Fly Lady's tips can be really helpful. Then there are people who just don't care and don't mind the clutter--not much you can do about them since the clutter doesn't bother them. And then there are people who have emotional/psychological issues that cause them to hoard things--again there's not much you can do unless you can convince them to get professional help to work through the underlying emotional issues. But if the person is in denial that they have a problem, it can be quite difficult to convince them that they need help.
JuneyBug Dongducheon CpCasey South Korea (Zone 4b)
I saw my boyfriends house exactyly 3 times in the 5 years that we dated before marriage. Each of those times he had paid his sisters to clean for 3 days before I came. I met his Mom at the bowling alley where we played a few games and talked, at parks where we walked and talked and then had dinner at a nearby restaurant - places like that. My Beloved made sure that I got to know his family, and made sure that I got to know them anywhere BUT at their home. And I thank him for that. This is an illness that can be controlled with medications. Maybe your Aunt can get her to see a Dr. about this. Maybe not...
You are in my thoughts and prayers, I know that this is very hard to deal with.
I understand how you feel. My father's side of the family are hoarders; that includes an aunt, an uncle, and a grandmother. I struggle with it myself, so I can give you the point of view from the hoarder's perspective. It is very difficult to get rid of the junk that one collects. As irrational as it sounds, there is a fear of throwing away something that we feel that one day we will absolutely need. It's really hard to explain the feeling that goes along with hoarding, but it is very strong. It sounds like your mother is not ready to deal with all the emotions that go along with letting go of something.
I was lucky in that my mother, being the primary housekeeper, was able to control my father's hoarding by allowing him one room in the house and the entire basement to keep his junk. Maybe you can talk your mother into having one room that is clutter-free. If not, as already suggested, meet at another location. If you are serious about this girl, I would explain the situation to her; people are very understanding. Try to accept your mother's hoarding for what it is -- an illness. That is nothing for you to be ashamed about. My heart goes out to you and your mother.
I grew up in a 'disorganized environment". We 4 kids went to our friend's homes often, to escape the chaos at home. It is sad and frustrating and maddening. You either grow up to become a neatfreak or you out-do your parents' mess, or you appear organized until someone opens a closet and your skeletons come tumbling out. ; - ]
Please introduce your friends to your mother on a neutral ground. You would all feel terrible if your Mother takes out her frustrations on your friend after being forced to clean up for her. Your Mother may feel very threatened at first. Go easy on her. Figure out if your friend is understanding and/or has a sense of humor about messy people.
If some of that mess is yours, clean it up and try to keep the most positive attitude you can. Donate things that are useable because throwing them in the trash may be too offensive to your Mother, who may feel you are throwing her and her efforts to provide for you in the trash. We hoarders really do believe all our junk is helping to provide for ourselves and our families. On extremely rare occasions, it does! (Just watch Antiques Roadshow on PBS TV) But mostly it serves as a distraction to life and an escape from reality.
My heart goes out to you, your Mother, and your friend. Thank you for telling us about it. Please let us know how you are doing.
Hello, I too grew up in a mess. My mom worked all the time as my dad was disabled. She bought things for sewing and then couldn't find them and bought more (amongst lots of other things). Our dining room had to be evacuated any time we had a family gathering. When I met my husband, I was mortified at the thought of bringing him to my house as I knew he had always lived in a clean "Martha Stewart" type house. I finally just brought him there and figured, if he didn't love me because of the mess (and the obvious reasons why it was like that), then, he just didn't love me. Guess what? He married me in spite of the mess and really took a liking to my dad. My parents had hard lives and in the end, the mess is not what we really remember about them. They were good people with lots of other priorities, problems and obligations. Tell your girlfriend about the "clutter/mess"... I think people are more understanding than you think and I doubt that will change her feelings for you. If it does, then she's not the girl for you IMHO. Best of luck and keep us posted...
Dear MondaysChild,
It's so sad that your Mom has a hoarding problem. She has to want to change. You can't do it for her.
People are like 5 gallon buckets. My husband used to say that you can only put so much stuff in a five gallon bucket. (I am always trying to rearrange things to get more of my stuff in.) I finally realized that my husband is kind, loving, generous, hardworking, and much more. There simply isn't room enough for neatness in his bucket. You have a tough assignment - you have to ignore the part you don't like, and cannot change about your mom - and just enjoy the part you do like about your mom.
Then when you have a home of your own, remember that you have a CHOICE about the way it's kept. You can choose to do it like your mom or different. Keep your chin up, kiddo. If this young lady cannot accept your family then you should move on. There are lots of fish in the sea. You seem like a very smart guy to me. Are you up for adoption?
I can understand this from the point of view of the clutter-bug mother, me! One time when my son was having his girlfriend visit in the summer, he spent weeks cleaning for me. But the next visit was a surprise visit...There are a lot of complexities about this problem, and I think the best all around solution is just to meet in public places, and if someone comes to your home and can't stand it, well, they don't have to come back. If he is in a serious relationship the other person will just have to accept his mother's disability, as she would any other disability.
Hey CG, Nice to read your post! I've been wondering about your mess and how your de-cluttering is going. I am still taking baby steps. Sorting but not yet purging. I am calling a consignment shop in the morning to see what they are accepting now.
Monday's Child...How's it going?? Post something even if it's not going well. You are among friends, even if we are hoarders like your Mom.
