British One-Liners

Newark, OH(Zone 5b)

I'm imagining some of my favorite British actors saying these, and I have tears in my eyes! LOL

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought, "he's trying to pull a fast one."

So I said to this train driver, "I want to go to Paris." He said, "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on the telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

So I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

So I was having dinner with Gary Kasparov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot." I said, "I'll take that as a condiment."

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags? He's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again? Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray. So I said, "Do you want a game of darts?" He said, "OK then." I said, "Nearest to bull starts." He said, "Baa." I said, "Moo." He said, "You're closest."

You see I'm against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said, "Do you get my drift?"

So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint -- this vinegar's got lumps in it." He said, "Those are pickled onions."

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite ... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness."

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He's a Catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said, "Not you again."

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins. I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".

Georgetown, TX(Zone 8a)

Where on earth do you get this stuff?!??!! Accent or no, too too funny!

Newnan, GA(Zone 8a)

really good stuff!!! but what is Marmite???

Birmingham, United Kingdom

Marmite is beef extract.Think you guys call it Vegimite.Yuk!!!

Newnan, GA(Zone 8a)

oh, yes, yuck!!!!

Newark, OH(Zone 5a)

Those were really good. Thanks for sharing them.....made me chuckle :o)

Newark, OH(Zone 5b)

Why on EARTH would BEEF extract be called VEGImite? LOL

OOh, wait...Beef extract is what they drank on Survivor this week!!

This message was edited Saturday, Oct 20th 11:48 AM

Middlesbrough, United Kingdom

There's people who love Marmite. And Bovril too. I'll go along with Yuk!

Spring Hill, FL(Zone 9a)

And people say I have a weird sense of humor! Maybe I should move to Merrie old England (note spelling of Merry is deliberate). GREAT jokes!

This message was edited Saturday, Oct 20th 12:58 PM

OK Kikisdad

Now that Merrie comment begs the question ... whats the difference :)


What are your favourite British actors?

Scotia, CA(Zone 9b)

Now those were punny, funny and cute!

Knoxville, TN

oooooooolololo these r 2 funny

Spring Hill, FL(Zone 9a)


Us Colonials usually spell the word merry while The subjects of the crown more typically spell it merrie.Is Sean Connery British?


Thats new to me and I've been a subject all my life lol. Always spell it merry here.

Yep being Scottish Mr Connery is technically British but there are those who dislike to be called British preferring to be Scottish, English or whatever. Personally I prefer to call myself British than English.

Grrrrr I really do dislike being number thirteen on a thread :)

Spring Hill, FL(Zone 9a)

Ok maybe that is a miconception on my part.Now I'm off to the on-line dictionary to research this word(s).

Newark, OH(Zone 5b)


I like Christopher Timothy (for the uninitiated, he played the young James Herriott on the BBC's "All Creatures Great and Small" and read many of Herriott's stories on audiobook). I can just hear him saying some of those things in that dry, funny way of his. Really, the whole cast of that show is excellent. I also really like Anthony Hopkins, Patrick Stewart, John Cleese, Terry Gulliam (the whole Monty Python crew, for that matter). And, yes, Sean Connery! And I like "Keeping Up Appearances", "One Foot in the Grave", and "Are You Being Served", though I don't follow them closely.

:o) Kimberley

Spring Hill, FL(Zone 9a)

According to MERRIam Websters new collegiate dictionary there is no such word as merrie. Merry is for real and merrier is even better but no merrie. My apologies to all Of Great Britain including Scotland home of my favourite actor.

All Creatures Great and Small was a good series and Monty Python, well all that you mention but Victor Meldrew does get on my wick at times LOL just shows what a good actor he is I guess.

Kikisdad I'm sure no apologies necessary, merrie is just an obsolete spelling of merry, we all know what you mean, even Sean :)

Newark, OH(Zone 5b)

Actually, good news, Kikisdad. Merrie is old English (or middle English?) and was in use at least as of 1601: Robin Hood of merrie Sherwodde. It's only a few hundred years old, LOL! I say we bring it back!

Source: The Cambridge History of English and American Literature in 18 Volumes (190721). Vol. 5. The Drama to 1642, Part One.)
Found online at

This message was edited Saturday, Oct 20th 8:23 PM

Spring Hill, FL(Zone 9a)

AHA! I knowed I seen it somewheres>BG

Thats a nice website Gardenwife.I bookmarked it for further use. Sure to have a merrie ole time with all the ancient history things.

Newark, OH(Zone 5b)

Oh! Did any of you ever watch "The Two Ronnies" on PBS in the 1970's? I hadn't thought about them for years, but I saw this online today and roared!

Troy, VA(Zone 7a)

GW - only you and I mean only you could have found this!!! I'm sitting here laughing my head off and normally I'm dead first thing in the morning. You are my kind of person!! But I knew that the first time we spoke on the chat - remember!! So funny!!! As for the Two Ronnies, they were the Kings of one liners - I wonder what happened to them?? Baa what has happened to all our comics back home - are they all going strong??

Which comics?

Troy, VA(Zone 7a)

LOL!!! Well, we still get to see the Vicar of Dibley, which I love!! Then there's Absolutely Fabulous, mostly repeats and very predicatable!! Are you being Served!!! And the indomitable Hyacinth Bouquet. Some of it is funny,!! Then there's Eastenders, always a giggle but gets on my nerves!! DH likes it though!!

Florence, AL(Zone 7a)

Have any of you seen 'Are You Being Served, Again?' It's even funnier than the original series!

Troy, VA(Zone 7a)

No, I haven't!!! Is it featured on one of your local PBS stations?

Crossville, TN

Louisa...My very FAVORITE show...Keeping Up Appearances!! I LOVE Hyacinth...and Rose...and Daisy...and....ALL of them!

I can't get it since I moved to AZ...we can't get cable and I use DISHTV and it isn't in my package. DD and I were talking about the show yesterday. SO FUNNY! Jo

Newark, OH(Zone 5b)

Are You Being Served, Again? I didn't know! Wonder if our PBS affiliate or the BBC channels on cable carry it. Fun!

Troy, VA(Zone 7a)

Do any of you watch Ballykissangel??? Set in Ireland - about life in a small Irish village!!

There is very little in the way of British 'family' comedy now, most of whats on the telly seems to be from the US.

Troy, VA(Zone 7a)

Why that's a shame Baa!! Don't you even get to see repeats? On Sunday we have the Best of British Comedy Awards if I remember to watch it!!

It wouldn't be the BBC without the repeats. I think they'd rather spend the money on special Fx documentries which are good, they don't come anywhere near David Attenborough's Life on Earth though. That is one series I would like to see repeated!

Troy, VA(Zone 7a)

My fav - David Attenborough. We had his wonderful series not too long ago and I can watch those over and over again. He is truly magic!!

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