April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I'll miss you."
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.
After shopping around a while, he decided that the Nissan 300-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Nissan dealer and says he wants to buy the 300-Z, but he wants it repainted to read "300-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
Here's a joke I sent to Carolyn Male to cheer her while she's laid up:
A woman had invited four of her husband's officemates and their wives to a formal dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave
myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were
not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I
headed for the parking lot. My wife, Lynne, has scolded me many times
for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the
best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be
stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a
terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was
I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that
I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all,Honey, I stammered. I
always call her honey in times like these. I left my keys in the
car, and it has been stolen.
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped,
but then I heard her voice. Ken she barked, I dropped you off!
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, Well, come and get me.
Lynne retorted, I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have
not stolen your car!
Not a sentimental person here as most of you know. For my one and only for life. A chocolate cake for Jim. Now with the red stinking heart and yellow arrow. These sprinkles I have had for 20 years unopened. This is as WACKY as its ever going to get - Trust Me! What in the Hell was I thinking? Never again. Period, Poof, Done!
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL...I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ..
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THE UGLY,
OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, #@$!@%& ASKED...
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
> There was a knock on the door this past Saturday
> I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:
> "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
> So I said "Come in and sit down."
> I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and
> asked "What do you want to talk about?"
> He said, "Beats the sh** out of me!
> Nobody ever let me in before."
Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
The new guy was a wreck...pale, hands shaking and moaning in fear.
"Hey, what's the matter?" Jack asked.
"Oh man. I've been transferred to New Jersey," the other guy answered.
"There's crazy people in New Jersey. They have shootings, gangs,
race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."
"Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived in New Jersey all my life.
It is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind
your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as
anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there
and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. So, what do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Coca-Cola truck in Camden."
Seeing the freeze dried schnauzer on another thread reminded me of this story. A woman had a mini schnauzer that kept getting ear infections because of all the hair growing in its ears. So she decided to buy a hair remover. She found several kinds & asked the druggist which was best...he pointed to a box & said that was the best for facial hair removal, and asked her if it was for her face...No, my schnauzer, she said. Well, he said, use it half strength & stay off your bike for a few days.
Hubby showed me that last summer just before I had my teeth pulled. Said he was going to get a camcorder and record me.
From my niece who's Grandson was just diagnosed with cancer. She has such a good sense of humor and continues to put out positive vibes for her family, she's a very strong women. She also makes me laugh no matter what.
Jen, Justin had to take this medicine once that made him swell up from 25lbs to 52 pounds in about 8 weeks...he looked like a Sumo Wrestler. We bought him a shirt and it said " I'M NOT FAT, I'M JUST FLUFFY."
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside.
Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, the Bangor Daily News in Bangor, Maine reported the following:
After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Bucksport, ME, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Maine had already gone wireless".
If thats ALL Romeo did i'd be a bit more at ease. When he's awake i'm constantly wondering what the little devil is into. At 10 years old he still escapes out of the first window he finds open. If you think a screen will stop him...think again!! Every clean blanket he thinks is his, every spider plant in the house he has sampled at least 10 times. Do not drop an earring or ring on the floor, it becomes his new "play toy". Same thing with empty boxes and grocery bags.
Now for personality, Romeo will bend his head down for you to kiss him on the head, he will stretch up onto your leg, to be picked up. Once picked up and propped on to your shoulder he will literally lean his head into the side of my face and rub for love and kisses. He then starts to purr at his happiness...sometimes if you scratch him under the chin just right, he'll lean into your hand and almost fall over. You even get a slight drool before he realizes what he's doing and regains his dignity and composer. :)
He likes to go out side with the dogs in the pen. I really don't think he knows he's a cat...thinks he's just a very small dog. ^_^ Anyways, if you don't let him out when he wants to go, he will sit under the table and growl at you...he's even swatted at my ankles once or twice. No claws...just a tap to let you know he's not happy. Cats are a lot more than sleeping, pooping machines, they are quite amazing independent creatures.
when I was little my family had 2
my bro has one and my sil has 2...but that is basically their diary, most inactive cats I've ever seen...well until my bro lets his out to do his daily hunting(rabbits, mice, etc...lovely headless creatures deposited on the front porch...ewwwww)
Since baby Adam has started this long fight, my niece (his Grammie) has found some interesting things to keep us laughing...after all laughter IS the best medicine. Today I noticed someone had posted it on facebook so I thought I'd share.
No More Girls Night Out!
Two wives go out for girls night out. Both got drunk so they started walking home but had to pee on the way. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said "No more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties!!" The other husband said "You think thats bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'from all of us at the Fire Station...we'll never forget you!
I didn't think twice
about this tiny fellow on my baby boxwood until I got this
SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Nantucket, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking
him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the
snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of
the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and
raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should
bring in their plants for the night.
Recently, my younger one asked at dinner, completely out of the blue, "If I marry a Black woman, will our children be tan?" ^_^After cracking up, I told hom to just look at his cousins! My SIL is Black.
MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV (aids). We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time .'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.
I read this one in a western mystery novel. It sounded vaguely familiar, so I hope it wasn't quoted before in this thread:
A woman driving through an reservation saw an old Indian woman walking along the road and offered her a ride. Climbing in, she had to move a wrapped paper bag, and the driver apologized, and said it was a bottle of wine she had gotten for her husband. The Indian woman was silent for a moment, then commented, "Good trade."