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Jokes & Humor: Driving in Dallas

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lantana

(Zone 7a)

November 10, 2001
12:39 PM

Post #17711

I received this from my sister and thought I would share it. Any of you coming this way need to read this CAREFULLY until you master all points.


A Visitors' Guide to Dallas, Texas
(Life in America's fifth largest city.)


1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS
depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own
version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as
a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.
3. All directions start with, "Go down to Beltline"...which has no
beginning and no end.
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic
drive."
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is
from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting
line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid
getting into any cross-traffic's way.
7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same holds true
for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Sul Ross and Routh Street.
8. Construction on I-30 is a way of life and form of entertainment.
9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in
Fort Worth!!"
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a
factory defect.
11. All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have the right of
way.
12. Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections.
Unless you're on Storey Rd...
13. If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of Spanish.
14. Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal buildings
connected by one tram that never works.
15. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours,
although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.
The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85.
Anything less is considered downright sissy.
16. The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn't
ornamental.
17. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that
says,"Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.
Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given right.
18. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph
zone...people are not waving when they go by.
19. The North Dallas Toll way is our daily version of NASCAR.
20. LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."
21. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
22. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Live Stock
show is going on.
23. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf
Classic is in the second round.
24. Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are
conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to
allow for ample parking on grassy areas.
25. Don't drive through the Canyon without a guide...even natives must learn from several guided excursions before they venture this on their own.
26. The reason they don't have stripes and reflectors to divide the lanes on LBJ and downtown I-35 is for herd control. If you survive driving in the dark during the rain on these freeways, consider yourself a superior form of the species and be sure to thank the Allmighty.
27. When stuck in rush hour traffic, don't wonder how the driver behind you managed to get enough speed to throw his brakes on that hard 5 feet from your rear bumper...no one knows.
________________________________________________________________


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