Confessions of a Compulsive Weeder

By Lori Geistlinger (McGlory) September 6, 2007

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It’s not a secret I share often, and I must be careful who knows, but I love to weed. The compulsion is irresistible. Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy planting and deadheading very much. I like turning over dirt for a brand new flower bed. But I love weeding. There. My confession is now in black and white.

Thankfully, we have an abundance of weeds at our house. When the house was built, we opted for seed instead of sod. One strong wind and the biggest flock of blackbirds you ever saw later, combined with the fact our town had a temporary water system resulting in so little pressure we could hardly run a sprinkler that year, and the poor grass seed never had a chance. Weeds moved in. When I run out of weeds in the flower beds, I can always head out to the yard, although Handsome Man shakes his head when the John Deere mower unexpectedly drops in a hole. I bought him a bag of topsoil to fill in because I’m a loving and caring wife.

Ardent weeders enjoy a little harmless destruction now and then. When I find an enormous weed that I missed on previous weeding excursions, my heart races a little. I love the type that defies the trowel. There’s something indescribably wonderful about getting out the shovel just to get one deep heavy weed off the property. When nobody’s around I like to hold the once-formidable weed above my head like an Olympic torch and hum the Rocky theme. Dave's Weeds video is great, but fails to mention the most fun weeding tools of all, the tractor and chain. There is nothing like black smoke rolling and the roar of a diesel engine as a beefy weed rises out of the bowels of the earth. You can tell the weed was deep not by measuring the root, but by touching the tip to see how hot it is.

I know what you’re thinking. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard, “You’re welcome to come over anytime,” when a gardening friend figures out my obsession. But being a compulsive weeder has some surprising disadvantages, and may be overcome by some helpful hints.

1) It’s important to know what you’re weeding. I don’t mean names of weeds, although I’ve named a few myself. (Though not dwarfs, they have names like Snow White’s Seven Dwarfs such as Pokey, Stinky, Viney, Look Out Mama Here Comes The Shovely, etc.) Know the weeds from the desired plants. The way to combat the problem if you’re relatively new to gardening, like me, is to take pictures of perennials as they’re coming up in the spring and save them from year to year. Don’t let anyone know; they’ll think you’re weird. If the plant is unfamiliar, it’s probably a weed, but check the previous year’s picture files to be certain. I learned this lesson in 2006 when my columbine didn’t come back.

2) Do not plant seeds directly in the ground. Rest assured that what are growing in little cups in the utility room are not weeds. What’s coming up in the ground, however, may look like something unwelcome, and if that mistake is made, $2.95 worth of seed is wasted.

3) Always wear gloves when going outside. It doesn’t matter where you’re going, what you’re wearing, or what time of year it is. Wear the gloves! Whenever we go somewhere, I am ready long before Handsome Man. He is usually busy picking up after me and gathering the items I forgot, but that’s another story. I’m ready first. But if I’m outside waiting on him with nothing to do, inevitably a weed beckons. And then two. Then I’m down on all fours happily ripping and tearing. Anyway, Handsome Man gets upset when he discovers my time outside “waiting for him” has resulted in dirty fingernails and mulch poking out the knees of my pantyhose. Knee pads might be in order someday, but for now the rule is only gloves. Spare pantyhose can be kept in the glove compartment.

4) Plan ahead and look behind. While thrilling to chase a weed’s underground runner, one can tear up several square feet of flower bed and disturb innumerable bulbs in the process. Trust me on this one.

5) Keep your hands off other people’s plants, even weeds, when touring someone else’s garden. First of all, it’s disrespectful. Most important though, little old garden tour hosts don’t like it when you yank their phlox. See Helpful Hint #1.

There are implicit joys to being an avid weeder besides the obvious rewards of clean flower beds and admiration of the neighbors. There is the feeling of getting something done that counts. Every weed matters, of that I’m certain. I enjoy basking in ignorance so if I’m wrong, don’t tell me, but I firmly believe that every weed I dispose of keeps two more from coming up later. The idea that the one weed I pull may keep a hundred from coming up later makes me giddy.

Honestly though, my favorite part about weeding is imagining all the pains of past experience and old undesirable attributes being discarded with each weed. Tug! There goes One Cheating Husband. Rip! There went a Cancer Scare. Yank! Out with Fear of What People Think. And then when I can’t think of any more, I think of the things in my life that still need to be cast aside. Puuuullllll! Oh, Smoking is a tough one. Will try again. Heave! I should be rid of Arrogance. Tug! I’m willing to dispose of Fear of Being Hurt. Come to think of it, perhaps I have better names for the Seven Not-So-Dwarfs after all.

About Lori Geistlinger   Lori and her husband, Handsome Man, garden in the heart of Tornado Alley in the Midwest. She likes perennials, because if they don't come back, chances are she forgot she planted them and doesn't realize she killed them. Don't take her too seriously.

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Subject: I thought I was the only one!

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Posted by pupilpropogtr (from Birmingham, AL) on September 22, 2007 at 3:29 AM:

Loved this. I use weeding for anger management. As we have just moved into a new home, my introduction to gardening was from weeding, AND I LOVED IT. Plenty of ivy, weeds and monkey grass, not to mention shrubs, needed to be removed. After I started that, then I wanted to plant. Weeding was the start of it all. I get a certain satisfaction out of finding a difficult, long rooted piece of crabgrass and following it a good 5 feet. When I am really frustrated, out comes the maddox or hatchet (I no longer have bradford pears :~D).

I have tried to explain this to people. It is not a gentle, benign art, it is true agression at its best and it is wonderful.

Thank goodness our yard is so overgrown that I have a lifetime of getting rid of ivy. If I ran out, I would probably plant more, just to start all over again.

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Posted by Astramorgaine (from Columbus, IN) on September 24, 2007 at 1:51 PM:

I definitely get funny looks when I confess my love for pulling weeds! I can relate to a lot of things the author has mentioned! I mentally rip feelings and thoughts out of my life as I pull the unwanted plant from the ground. A weed is after all just a plant that one hasn't found a use for. A rosebush could be considered a weed to someone who doesn't want it growing in their garden, right? Kudos to the author, I enjoyed reading your confession immensely. As I pull the sorrel and pokeweed from the ground, I shall remember your dwarf analogy :)

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Posted by wolfwolf (from Maspeth, NY) on September 10, 2007 at 12:46 PM:

Yeah, I'm a compulsive weeder, too. Glad to know I'm not the only one.

I used to say to my mom. "Going out to pull a few weeds -- back in five minutes". Two hours later, I'd finally come back inside.

Weeding is like that...Totally Mindless.

I don't know where your mind goes. La-La Land, I think. But it's so relaxing. I find myself pulling weeds as I walk by the garden. Just a few here and there, but it all adds up. And helps fill the composter.

It's good for the garden, too. Weeds take up nourishment and water. Why let them have those things when my other plants need them?

So keep on weeding! It's a hell of a lot of fun.

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Posted by CountryGardens (from Lewisville, MN) on September 6, 2007 at 6:32 AM:

Great article, Lori!
This new to me that you share the same passion as I for tearing out weeds. I can't pick a pickle without grabbing a nearby weed.
I am guilty of rule # 5, I always think I am doing a good deed jerking a weed from somebodies bed. I will rethink this.
To think without Daves Garden & Iowa Round Up, I would never have met such a nice couple.
Hi to Handsome Man, too.
Have a Great Day!
Bernie

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Posted by BDale60 (from Warren, PA) on September 6, 2007 at 8:22 AM:

Cute article. I'm a "mulcher" so I guess that makes me kind of a party pooper when it comes to weeding since I pre-empted much of the fun. Maybe I'll rethink that approach now that I know what I'm missing.

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Posted by melody (from Benton, KY) on September 6, 2007 at 8:57 AM:

I've sadly lost the battle here in west KY...I now call my weeds 'wildflowers' if anyone asks, and state that I've let that part of the garden go 'natural' for the wildlife....yeah, right...

Great article...I loved it...I may write the 'weed huggers' version someday....

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Posted by Ticker (from Lisbon, IA) on September 6, 2007 at 9:59 AM:

Ah Lori, a woman after my own heart! Weeding has gotten me through some really tough times. It's amazing how much aggression, anger and stress you can take out on weeds and then smile at the resulting weed free flowerbed. Keep the articles coming, you are fun to read!

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Posted by Dea (from Frederick, MD) on September 6, 2007 at 10:02 AM:

arrrggghhh - those little runners.... I have followed their trail endlessly. Great article !!

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Posted by JoanJ (from Belfield, ND) on September 6, 2007 at 10:21 AM:

Great article! I was hoping that by the time I got done reading it I would be inspired to become one that loves weeding. As I look out the window over my flower gardens, I'm not feeling the urge to go weed though. :)

Sadly, I'm like Melody at this point. I've lost the battle and am looking forward to starting over again next year. :)

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Posted by Hyblaean (from Niles, IL) on September 6, 2007 at 12:10 PM:

Laugh, I loved this article! :D Wish I was a compulsive weeder. I'm more of a compulsive labeler. Pretty soon I'll start labeling the weeds.

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Posted by KyWoods (from Melbourne, KY) on September 6, 2007 at 1:37 PM:

ROFL I'm that way about the weeds in the gardens. But the ones at the edge of the woods are the wildflowers. I love posting their pics on the plant id thread and finding out from the wonderful, smart people here, exactly what they are. Some are quited interesting and beautiful, and if I could get them to grow only where I wanted them....

Absolutely loooove your writing style, Lori! Oh, and the knee pads? Get some, they allow you to weed where no woman has weeded before. LOL

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Posted by hydrangea80 (from Council Bluffs, IA) on September 6, 2007 at 2:02 PM:

Another great article, Lori! I know I laughed more than once!

:)

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Posted by lcosden (from Pawling, NY) on September 6, 2007 at 2:19 PM:

Great article.. Have to admit, I'm a obsessive weeder too.. But we have new construction with newly germinating grass in a massive weed bed.. So I have an excuse when I'm talking to the neighbors and weeding at the same time.. LOL.. I don't have the urge to weed other's gardens though.. Maybe cuz I get my weeding fix at home.. LOL.. :)

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Posted by carrielamont (from Milton, MA) on September 6, 2007 at 2:38 PM:

Great, I LOL'd all the way though. My DH is a compulsive weeder; he calls it his version of meditation. He's been known to pull out a towel (for his poor old knees) and start weeding anywhere he can. But BDale, we've never had any luck with mulch; I'm sure DH would be willing to learn actual meditation.

xxx, Carrie

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Posted by Islandshari (from Kwajalein
(Marshall Islands)) on September 6, 2007 at 2:57 PM:

What a pleasure to read with my first cup of coffee! Start the day with a laugh! My biggest problem with weeds is the id....I let the strongholds get completely set while waiting for a bloom, or something to identify the invader....must start remembering the rules....

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Posted by roybird (from Santa Fe, NM) on September 6, 2007 at 7:44 PM:

Great article! I'm still grinning. Yeah, I'm a compulsive weeder, too.

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Posted by Indy (from Alexandria, IN) on September 6, 2007 at 8:54 PM:

I am a weeder too. However I have some qualms occasionally after reading the link below.

[HYPERLINK@journeytoforever.org]

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Posted by Sheila_FW (from Fort Worth, TX) on September 6, 2007 at 10:24 PM:

I can relate to so much of your enjoyable article. I have had two back surgeries this last year, but I am already back to stooping for that "one more weed" even now. Also, I can't drive down a street that I don't see trees that need trimmed too!

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Posted by critterologist (from Frederick, MD) on September 6, 2007 at 11:25 PM:

Lori, I love your wit! What a fun article!

I confess, most of my weeding is done in great spurts of industriousness... in between those times, my weeds (often called "volunteers" or "wildflowers" if I like them) tend to get away on me. Yesterday, however, DH hauled off 2 heaping wheelbarrow loads of weeds (mostly unwanted grasses). And I have a large wheelbarrow!

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Posted by carrielamont (from Milton, MA) on September 8, 2007 at 4:47 PM:

Indy, loved that site! I didn't read carefully enough - are DANDELIONS a helpful weed?

x, Carrie

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Posted by Indy (from Alexandria, IN) on September 8, 2007 at 9:02 PM:

Dandelions have a fairly deep root and would be considered helpful in a soil building sense.

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Posted by KyWoods (from Melbourne, KY) on September 8, 2007 at 9:29 PM:

I hear they taste good, and make good wine, too!

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Posted by PAMSPACE (from Temperanceville, VA) on September 10, 2007 at 11:41 AM:

Dear Lori,

I too am now a compulsive weeder. My DH was out of work for four months and I couldn't afford to plant anything new (gasp!!!!) so I had to resort to pulling weeds. The most difficult task I tackled was weeding in my moss roses. Now, thank heaven, those lovely flowers are weed free and my DH has a new job so I can start to spend money on seeds and plants, mulch and compost, etc. More importantly, however, is what this website means to me. After 4 years of living on the penisula of Virginia, this is the first time I have been able to communicate with lots of other gardeners, since I am a "come here" as opposed to being a "Teager" or a "born here" (and let me add, related to any other thirty people you see at Walmart). Thanks a whole bunch to Daves Garden and all you gardeners.

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Posted by tucsonjill (from Tucson, AZ) on September 10, 2007 at 4:51 PM:

And here I've been hiding my weeding compulsion, thinking I was the only one! Thanks so much for assuring me I am not alone in my obsession.

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Posted by CountryGardens (from Lewisville, MN) on September 10, 2007 at 10:58 PM:

I went out to pick peppers today, ended up weeding 2 rows. Good grief they could freeze soon!
I made a list of some bad spots around the place for our helpers to tidy up. I want it to look nice this weekend for the Round Up.
Bernie

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Posted by bbrogan1 (from Amma, WV) on September 10, 2007 at 11:13 PM:

Count me in too as a compulsive weeder!! I have compost piles all over our little 4-acre homestead the result of my compulsion (and my wheelbarrow being somewhere else). Sometimes those little compost piles are not quite "cooked" and are in the middle of an area I would like to turn into a new flower bed. No problem, my DH brings me a few John Deere scoops of topsoil - we cover that pile right over and I plant with annuals. Come next springtime, that pile of composted weeds is ready for use in new flower beds.

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Posted by azaleabud (from Asheville, NC) on September 10, 2007 at 11:34 PM:

My daughters (ages 7 and 10) are becoming compulsive weeders. I don't think I've been TOO deceptive about things -- maybe a BIT of that Tom Sawyer "hey, whitewashin is funnnnn" take on things, but nothing anyone would consider Soviet-style coercion...Well, at any rate, I'm not complaining about their zeal...Amazingly, at supper tonight they had a tug-of-war with the bowl of brussel sprouts. There are far more dangerous things to fight over than a plastic bowl full of over-steamed sprouts -- like a pointy trowel, for example.

This message was edited Sep 10, 2007 10:52 PM

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Posted by carrielamont (from Milton, MA) on September 15, 2007 at 8:39 AM:

I wish my daughters would fight over something worthwhile, like brussel's sprouts!!!

xxx, Carrie

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Posted by KyWoods (from Melbourne, KY) on September 15, 2007 at 1:04 PM:

I looove brussel sprouts!

I yanked out seven 30-gal. bags of weeds yesterday! Not only is it fun pulling 'em, but the good feeling you get when you look back and see what a difference it made, is worth it. Our yard has suffered from neglect, as I'm in school full time. But I have a break between quarters, so "a-weeding-I-will-go"!

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Posted by PAMSPACE (from Temperanceville, VA) on September 18, 2007 at 12:53 PM:

Can you top this! One of my shelties started weeding with me at 8 months of age. She is great! Gets the root and all, I just have to put the soil back in the little holes. A full season has past and she is still out there weeding with me (except I don't eat the weeds).

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Posted by KyWoods (from Melbourne, KY) on September 18, 2007 at 1:45 PM:

LOL, my mini poodle used to do that! She wouldn't eat them, but she'd shake them furiously, as if to make sure they were dead!


Edited for spelling.

This message was edited Sep 18, 2007 3:51 PM

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Posted by Hyblaean (from Niles, IL) on September 18, 2007 at 2:56 PM:

Laugh, I also have a mutt that's part goat. She doesn't weed, but more weed-eaters them.

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Posted by McGlory (from Southeast, NE) on September 18, 2007 at 3:05 PM:

I better get me one of those dogs.....

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Posted by Hyblaean (from Niles, IL) on September 18, 2007 at 3:17 PM:

If you have more weeds than flowers it's a good thing....more flowers than weeds, it's sort of like having your spouse 'help' you.

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Posted by tucsonjill (from Tucson, AZ) on September 18, 2007 at 4:09 PM:

Or your kids....

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Posted by Sheila_FW (from Fort Worth, TX) on September 18, 2007 at 7:56 PM:

My Son doesn't work for dog bones, he charges $10/hour!!

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Posted by ceejaytown (from The Woodlands, TX) on September 23, 2007 at 11:54 AM:

I love the way you think! And the way you write. Grinning while I read :-D
I love to pull weeds too. It gives a good sense of achievement (as does whacking back plants - another favorite). The removal of dollar weed is one of my most favorite pastimes - a zen moment (or several hours of zen). DH and I have contests: who can pull out the longest runner without breaking it?
But he is addicted. I will call him from across the yard to come and see something, and 30 minutes later I go looking for him to find he is weeding his way to me.
It's like working a jigsaw puzzle: just one more weed before I quit.

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