Faux Pas in Gardening Attire

By Lori Geistlinger (McGlory) October 18, 2007

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Safety is one thing. Tragedies occur when loose clothing is worn around machinery. Modesty is something else. We’ve all seen bikini tops in the garden worn by someone who shouldn’t be seen in less than a poncho. We shall attempt to address here uncommon sense borne of common errors in garden clothing.

Gardening attire selections are sometimes disclosed in weekly DG Voting Booth polls. There have been polls on winter gardening garb, favorite gloves, and footwear choices. Faux pas, however, are rarely discussed, perhaps because infrequently admitted.

Beware windy days.

Of course we select our headgear based upon the day’s wind velocity, but other considerations should be made as well. I should have known it was too windy to be planting the day the wind caught my plastic bucket of water and sent it hopping and skipping across the yard, slopping water in its wake. Another good clue should have been when the soil that came out of the hole I was digging went right back in. But I didn’t know. And I didn’t know until the loose-fitting top I was wearing flew right over my head. It was innocent enough to begin with. I simply wore a waist-length loose top with short sleeves. I was down on all fours planting away, when WHOOSH! -- my secret, Victoria’s Secret that is, was exposed to the little old man watering his petunias next door. The sleeves kept the shirt on, but what should have covered my torso was now covering my head. I tried to shriek, but was detained by a mouth full of shirt. Lesson learned, dignity lost.

Heed the southern exposure.

We all do this, don’t we? Or maybe we just think we do. I weed using the proper technique, down on all fours, fanny rising in the air like Mt. Everest. One day last summer, I prepared to shower after a long day of weeding. Our bathroom, unfortunately, has an entire wall of mirrors. As I discarded my shirt in readiness to shower, the wall of mirrors revealed a horizontal strip of sunburn low on my back. The redness seemed to disappear below my waistline. Cautiously, I lowered my shorts. Truth held me frozen. “Say it isn’t so,” I cried out. Nobody answered. I haven’t made jokes at a plumber’s expense since that day.

Never garden nude.

I’m unaware of a Voting Booth poll on this one, but it stands to reason that somebody somewhere has done some pruning in the buff. If you live in the country far from any neighbors, or if you have a privacy fence or tall hedge that prevents discovery, why not? Enjoying nature au naturel surely appeals to many. One could certainly save money on a tanning booth. Times, however, are changing. While I wouldn’t go so far as to say Big Brother is watching, he is taking pictures. Have you ever heard of GPS, Global Positioning System? What about Google Earth? When I put my address into Google Earth, an aerial view, complete with cars in the driveway is shown.

So back to wearing only skin while gardening. If I were to, say, weed in the position aforementioned, and they snapped the Google Earth photo, I would no doubt have the National Guard on my doorstep to examine and identify the large strange blob in my yard. On the other hand if the National Guard doesn’t bother you, or having your own large strange blob on the internet for all to see isn’t worrisome, bathe yourself in some SPF50 and prune, prune, prune!

Garden clothing mishaps can be embarrassing, but frequently good comes of them. My grandfatherly neighbor’s petunias, for example, haven’t been thirsty since a windy day last summer.

About Lori Geistlinger   Lori and her husband, Handsome Man, garden in the heart of Tornado Alley in the Midwest. She likes perennials, because if they don't come back, chances are she forgot she planted them and doesn't realize she killed them. Don't take her too seriously.

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Subject: A trip down memory lane.

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Posted by kaziah (from Tulsa, OK) on October 22, 2007 at 1:26 PM:

When I was a teenager (15), my parents sent me to gather okra from our little garden. Thinking that I would wow the neighborhood, and rebelling against the authority figures, I dressed in my bathing suit and set upon the task. I paid deartly for that little act of rebellion. For anyone who doesn't know about okra, please DON'T try this. I itched for two days straight. That was about 50 years ago. I now dress in long sleeves when okra is picked. LOL

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Posted by McGlory (from Southeast, NE) on October 22, 2007 at 10:08 PM:

Now THAT is a faux pas of drastic proportions, kaziah! LOL

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Posted by 1mary2 (from Chesterfield, MO) on October 22, 2007 at 10:10 AM:

I don't remember the last time I've laughed so much! Being a fellow gardener, we're sometimes oblivious to our surroundings when gardening. I'll chuckle everytime I'm out in the garden from now on, remembering your comments. Thanks for the laugh!

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Posted by McGlory (from Southeast, NE) on October 22, 2007 at 10:08 PM:

Glad you enjoyed it, 1mary2.

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Posted by ragland (from kodaikanal
(India)) on October 22, 2007 at 10:24 PM:

I enjoyed the article verymuch. Thanks for the sugar coated pills

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Posted by Elizabethtown (from Hagerstown, MD) on October 18, 2007 at 3:44 PM:

Thanks for the great laugh and not being afraid to tackle the naked truth about garden clothing or the lack thereof. I'm going to have to remind my sons that the satellites in the sky can see what they are doing at all times!

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Posted by DiamondD (from Baton Rouge, LA) on October 22, 2007 at 8:08 AM:

What a great read! Started my Monday morning off with a laugh, a smile and a nod....yep, been there done that, learned oh just to wear a tight fitting shirt and check the dip in the back on occassion.

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Posted by KyWoods (from Melbourne, KY) on October 18, 2007 at 12:53 AM:

Oh, my, now this was a fun article! Love the way your descriptions create hysterical mental images!

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Posted by Wvdaisy (from Buffalo, WV) on October 18, 2007 at 1:20 AM:

I have a couple people and their gardening ware in mind, one is my mother bending over in her short shorts and the other shall remain nameless unless she guesses who she is??? ROFL

Loved the article!

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Posted by Dyson (from Moneta, VA) on October 18, 2007 at 6:58 AM:

I really needed that laugh this morning - Thank you.

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Posted by larlienda (from Strasburg, VA) on October 18, 2007 at 7:58 AM:

the laughter was definitely needed!

i've definitely worn somethings gardening that had long surpassed being decent and then when you add my posse following me around (ds 2, dd 4, dd 6, flock of geese and ducks & wayward goats) i tend to feel that candid camera can't be far off :-)

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Posted by critterologist (from Frederick, MD) on October 18, 2007 at 8:18 AM:

ROFLOL! What a fun & funny article! I spit coffee at the screen when I read your final line... :-)

I've been known to wear a bikini top in the garden... on a weekday morning... in the back yard... but I keep my poncho handy. ;-)

This summer, I got funny looks because of my head to toe coverage, even on hot days... the mosquitoes were just that bad!

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Posted by crashbandiscoot (from Springfield, OH) on October 18, 2007 at 8:36 AM:

LOL, funny article, a friend and I (you know who you are) aquired our uncomfortable stripes on our lower backs this summer weeding Daylilies!
Thanks for the smiles.

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Posted by ardesia (from Saint Helena Island, SC) on October 18, 2007 at 9:42 AM:

Too funny and too true!

It reminded me of the time I was in charge of docents on a garden tour. There were about a half dozen gardens open that day and as I made my afternoon rounds to make sure everyone was in their place I discovered one docent in a bikini. She just wanted to get a tan it seems. I didn't have a poncho on me so after a big gulp I told her she was in luck, that we had extra docents that day and I quickly scrambled one from another home to this garden. Yikes, talk about innappropriate clothing.........Half the guests were staring at the bikini instead of the gardens. LOL

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Posted by TwinLakesChef (from OC, CA & Twin Lakes , IA) on October 18, 2007 at 9:53 AM:

Good one, Lori! Started my day with a chuckle . . .

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Posted by LouC (from Desoto, TX) on October 18, 2007 at 10:47 AM:

wonderful....could see myself there a couple of times. hahaha

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Posted by broncbuster (from Waxahachie, TX) on October 18, 2007 at 12:18 PM:

Where's the nude gardening forum?

Great piece!

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Posted by heathrjoy (from Johnsonburg, PA) on October 18, 2007 at 12:52 PM:

I'll be laughing all day long thinking about this article. Will even have DH read it when he gets home. Of course, I've never made any of these faux pas...well, none that I'll admit to!!

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Posted by Dyson (from Moneta, VA) on October 18, 2007 at 1:23 PM:

And CNN did an article on the difference between US & Euro Swimwear this morning! Or was it yesterday? Who cares, it is all in fun. Or not - depending on the view you are exposed too.

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Posted by KyWoods (from Melbourne, KY) on October 18, 2007 at 1:26 PM:

LOL @ broncbuster!!!

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Posted by psychw2 (from Boise, ID) on October 18, 2007 at 4:44 PM:

When you get a tan, it's pretty hard to dispute the truth!!! Because of bad knees I am always bent completely over from the waist to weed or plant. A fitted high neck line shirt tucked in, front and back is necessary or my shirt gaps open and exposes everything from the front AND back! Trust me, on me, this is NOT a pretty picture.

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Posted by Islandshari (from Kwajalein
(Marshall Islands)) on October 18, 2007 at 6:11 PM:

What a fun article! Further proof that gardeners, if no one else, can laugh at ourselves. My best faux pas in the garden is "oh, I'll shower after I pot these up, and pull these weeds," inevitably that's when the "ladies that walk" want to stop by and see my orchids! Me covered in dirt, oily hair hanging in my face and sweat spots on my shirt....ahhh well, they came to see the orchids, and I've never claimed to be a "stylish Stella"....

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Posted by KyWoods (from Melbourne, KY) on October 18, 2007 at 6:29 PM:

LOL, reminds me of the silliness of June Cleaver ("Leave It To Beaver") doing housework in a dress, heels, jewelry and makeup.

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Posted by LouC (from Desoto, TX) on October 18, 2007 at 6:32 PM:

Love, love, love guests. Take me as you find me. Days of style are long gone. Those were good while they lasted but for now.....ahhhh comfort.

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Posted by ardesia (from Saint Helena Island, SC) on October 18, 2007 at 7:36 PM:

My DH invites folks over when he wants me to clean up. LOL, it doesn't always work.

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Posted by LouC (from Desoto, TX) on October 18, 2007 at 8:30 PM:

So, is he all cleaned up?

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Posted by ardesia (from Saint Helena Island, SC) on October 18, 2007 at 8:54 PM:

LOL, well he sits behind a desk while I spend my days with my butt in the air and my hands in the dirt. Then there is my Eau du Insect Repellent combined with sweat and those smelly organic fertilizers, their odors seem to permeate my clothes and my skin. So yeah, anything compared to me is cleaned up.

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Posted by psychw2 (from Boise, ID) on October 18, 2007 at 9:15 PM:

"Anything compared to me is cleaned up"... Hehehe... I LOVE It! Eau du Insect Repellent, is that sold in better hardware store?

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Posted by KyWoods (from Melbourne, KY) on October 18, 2007 at 9:22 PM:

LOL, imagining salesgirls dressed down and dirty, spritzing people as they walk by in Lowe's and Home Depot...

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Posted by LouC (from Desoto, TX) on October 18, 2007 at 9:47 PM:

hahahahahaha


LouC

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Posted by Islandshari (from Kwajalein
(Marshall Islands)) on October 18, 2007 at 10:56 PM:

Oh I love it! That would be much more like "life"!

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Posted by McGlory (from Southeast, NE) on October 18, 2007 at 11:24 PM:

Thanks, everyone. Glad you enjoyed the article.

broncbuster, I KNEW someone would want directed to the Nude Gardening forum! LOL!

Would you believe after I submitted the article that there was one of those videos on cnn.com about "Nude Gardener to be Ticketed" or something like that. It was only a teaser. No nudity or gardening. Something about a guy who liked to roam around his yard and sit on his porch in the buff. Neighbors objected, new ordinance, CNN interviewed the guy and his neighbors. Nothing about gardening in the entire video.

Again, thanks all. Glad you had your smile for the day. :-)

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Posted by sallyg (from Anne Arundel Co., MD) on October 19, 2007 at 8:44 PM:

wonder if that guy grew moonflowers.............

Saturday May 3 , 2008, may be of interest to some of you. I don't remember where I first heard of it but it cracked me up. [HYPERLINK@www.wngd.org.]
(sure hope I don't get in trouble for this)

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Posted by KyWoods (from Melbourne, KY) on October 19, 2007 at 9:24 PM:

ROFL Good one, sallyg--"MOONflowers". Fun link! Sure hope there are no bees in those flowers that lady is handling!

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Posted by Islandshari (from Kwajalein
(Marshall Islands)) on October 19, 2007 at 9:30 PM:

Notice how "thin" all those people are? My "chunky dunkin" days are gone....you nature in the buff lovers have a real good time, and don't sit in any poison ivy!

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Posted by LouC (from Desoto, TX) on October 19, 2007 at 9:54 PM:

hahaha. That was the sign had we over the hottub before we gave it away....

We don't skinny dip, we chunky dunk.

This message was edited Oct 19, 2007 8:55 PM

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Posted by Islandshari (from Kwajalein
(Marshall Islands)) on October 19, 2007 at 9:55 PM:

Yup...I resemble that remark!

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Posted by McGlory (from Southeast, NE) on October 20, 2007 at 10:20 AM:

Oh my gosh! LOL! It's scary, isn't it? Remind me to stay indoors with shades pulled on that day in May 2008. I don't EVEN want to know!

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Posted by Hyblaean (from Niles, IL) on October 20, 2007 at 2:07 PM:

ROFL- great article -and comments! :D

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Posted by margaran (from Jacksonville, FL) on October 22, 2007 at 6:26 AM:

Nice idea in England maybe. Here in FL, all I can say is I don't want mosquito bites in some places I'd never apply DEET. I used it once this summer and it melted my nail polish. Don't know that I want it on my tender parts. The woman using the shovel with her bare feet is just silly. That looks painful!

Great article

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Posted by Sis_E (from (Cissy) San Jose, CA) on October 22, 2007 at 11:32 AM:

Great article...what a good laugh for early in the morning here in California :D

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