How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack by Chuck Sambuchino

ImageThis is a humorous little publication designed to arm the average gardener with the knowledge and skills needed to protect themselves from Gnomus hortus, the common Garden Gnome.

According to the author, these innocent looking little garden ornaments are conspiring with each other for ultimate world domination. If you are a gnomeowner, the probability of attack goes up considerably, especially if you live in a suburban area with other gnomeowners in the neighborhood.

Creative photography captures the gnomes performing reconnaissance work, observing their potential victims through windows, from behind trees and from under fences. Signs of eminent attack are missing tools and garden equipment left in walkways. Gnomes love sharp tools and if you happen to be missing knives, trowels or hedge clippers, beware.

ImageInstructions for gnomeproofing property and helpful defenses in case of attack are listed and described in detail. The author cautions that if you have the unexplained feeling that you are being watched, you probably are. Drafts in houses with the doors and windows closed are a sure sign that they have breached the garden perimeter and are closing in.

Instructions for protective moats, quicksand and camouflaged pits give the gnomeowner some degree of protection, but the best strategy is simply not to fight. Leave and never return when the pointy-capped fellows begin their assault. The observant gnomeowner will recognize battle preparations and leave the premises immediately.

A glossary of gnomenclature helps those not familiar with gnome terms, and hopefully the advice will lead to a time when these malevolent garden statues are 'gno' more.

This funny little book would make a nice gift for any gnomeowner in your life. The photography is creative and well executed. Only 106 pages, but this publication packs a great deal of information in such a small package. The author warns of the dangers humans are subjected to when they actually take a gnome on vacation, and suggests destinations where killer gnomes can be safely disposed of. It makes for a lighthearted addition to a garden library or a thoughtful gift to someone who owns a gnome, or is contemplating acquiring one.

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