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Do you ever get the feeling that a particular plant is out to get you? Seems everyone can grow it easily except you. Do you spend hours wondering what you should be doing differently, moving it from location to location, trying different fertilizers? Relax and stop worrying. You’re right; the plant hates you. Here are two roses, recent additions to the same neighborhood. And this is their tale:
It was the best of climes; it was the worst of climes.Zone 5 is the best because we enjoy four seasons; the worst because summers are hotter than the bowels of Hades.To call winters cold would be a compliment.
I am Dorothy Perkins, the rambler rose, and I was born and raised in Michigan by a northern grower.The Zone 5 cold doesn't concern me in the least.Pinkie, my friend, is a Rosa palustris, supposedly hardy here, but with her Oklahoma upbringing, who knows?I must remind myself to discuss with her the horticultural mechanisms of hunkering down for a cold spell.Most gardeners don't think roses think or behave in any sort of hunkering fashion.Let's just say that most gardeners are wrong.
My owner is a grumpy man who has been gardening a long time.I see many other roses as I look around his garden.There are none as lovely as me, and I don't care to claim them, but you can't, as they say, pick your relatives.I'm hoping they're far distant cousins.Pinkie's owner is a young woman new to gardening, full of ambition, but not full of know-how.Poor Pinkie.I'm thinking Pinkie ought to teach that young squirt a thing or two.At least I will be tended by a master.
Rosa 'Dorothy Perkins,' Narrator
After Week One:I have named my master Mr. Arrogance.I was planted the day after I arrived, which was nice after the cardboard box and rough ride on the UPS truck, but all he gave me for food was some erroneous mishmash.I prefer fast food myself.Many roses prefer a home-cooked meal, but his mix could have used a little more nitrogen for my taste.This fellow and I are going to have problems, I can see it now.It's good for me that he knows what he's doing, but I don't like his attitude.As he put food in my new home, he was explaining to Miss Hyperactivity, Pinkie's mistress, how he mixes his own fertilizer, but then he wouldn't share his secret with her.He thinks he's a rose expert.We'll see, Mr. Arrogance.
Pinkie is still in her mistress's garage while Miss Hyperactivity is flitting about, concerned about hole depth, light requirements, and Mr. Arrogance's fertilizer.Poor Pinkie.Miss Hyperactivity is so nervous after Mr. Arrogance's rose lectures, she can't get anything done.Let's hope Pinkie lives to tell about it.
After Week Two:Mr. Arrogance checks on me daily.He thinks I don't know how to grow and look beautiful?I think I'll just sit here a while and see if I can make the old coot sweat.I might even drop a few leaves for good measure.
Miss Hyperactivity finally put Pinkie in the ground.The mistress mixed up the fertilizer, got it all wrong, but Pinkie is showing off anyway.Pinkie got the right amount of nitrogen though.I'm beginning to wish I had been purchased by Miss Hyperactivity.At least she is pleasant.
After Week Three:I haven't been checked on in five days.Who does my master think he is?Doesn't he know he's supposed to stew and sweat over my survival?He acts like he thinks I'll be just fine with no attention.I'm going to get myself some blackspot just to annoy him.Ignore me, Bub?We'll see.He'll wonder how I got blackspot with no rain.
Pinkie is doing great.Her poor little mistress fusses and talks to her all the time.She even cut off some of last year's wood, which Pinkie doesn't need.Pinkie is trying to humor her by looking as lovely as she can.At least she is getting some attention!
After One Month:Ouch, ouch, ouch!Mr. Arrogance unceremoniously pulled off the leaves with the blackspot I especially created for him.He had the nerve to curse.He gave me a big drink afterward, making sure to get no water on my leaves.It would be nice if he said sweet things to me.I got him good with a couple of my thorns, and I think I'll sulk now.
Pinkie has buds.Miss Hyperactivity is beside herself.She came rushing over to Mr. Arrogance begging him to come see Pinkie's buds.He didn't oblige her, saying something about beginner's luck.You go, Pinkie, you go!
After Two Months:Mr. Arrogance and I are still doing battle.He feeds me stuff I don't like, I drop a leaf.He topdresses me with compost, I droop just a little.We'll see how much he knows!
Rosa palustris, or "Pinkie" to the narrator
In the meantime, Pinkie has bloomed voraciously.Miss Hyperactivity is beside herself with glee.Since she couldn't even bring herself to pluck one rose to enjoy indoors, Pinkie rewarded her by seemingly dropping a perfect one on the ground at her feet.It's a joy to watch, I tell you, a joy.It's almost as much fun as watching Mr. Arrogance eat crow.
After Three Months:AACCKKK!!!Mr. Arrogance has kicked me to the curb!He dug me up yesterday, told his wife I was defective and he wanted his money back.I'm lying here out of the earth, dying, waiting for the trash man.This Mr. Arrogance has no heart!No heart, I tell you!Whoever heard of a gardener with no heart!
Pinkie is nodding her fabulous blooms my direction.All I can do is lie here and think perhaps I took things a bit too far.My understanding was that gardeners never gave up.I thought as long as I didn't die, he would love and care for me.On the other hand, I didn't love him either.
It's dark now.I hear rustling.There she is!Miss Hyperactivity is nervously picking me up!Run, Miss Hype, run!She is digging a hole in the dark; she is tossing in fast food.I love this woman!I will bloom for her!I will bloom all summer!I will not get blackspot.It is a far, far better thing that she does, this Miss Hyperactivity.She will be rewarded.
***Gracious thanks to Melody Rose (melody) for her lovely photos of all these pink roses. You may find her photos in Plant Files.
About Lori Geistlinger
Lori and her husband, Handsome Man, garden in the heart of Tornado Alley in the Midwest. She likes perennials, because if they don't come back, chances are she forgot she planted them and doesn't realize she killed them. Don't take her too seriously.
Posted by VictoriaRoseD (from Fayetteville, NY) on March 17, 2008 at 11:45 PM:
Thanks and for sneaking in some cute facts about growing roses.
Loved reading it from the "roses perspective".
Please keep writing!
God Bless You, Abundantly!
John 10:10
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Subject: Enjoyed the article!
Posted by 1mary2 (from Chesterfield, MO) on March 17, 2008 at 9:42 AM:
Gave me my Monday morning smile. Thanks!
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Posted by ienvan (from Nakusp
(Canada)) on March 17, 2008 at 3:10 PM:
Thanks for the smile, delightful. However, on a more serious note, has anyone noticed that some people just cannot seem to grow some plants? I sincerely
have come to believe that some plants and some people just don't have compatible vibrations, for whatever reason.
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Subject: Not paranoid if they are out to get you
Posted by rince1wind (from Evanston, IL) on March 17, 2008 at 9:31 AM:
Yes, they ARE out to get me. I'm so glad Dorothy survived, and we got to hear the tale!
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Posted by knottthemama (from Duncan, OK) on March 17, 2008 at 12:42 PM:
Mr. Coleus got mad at me for moving him in favor of Ms. Pothos. That was way over 40 years ago. Ms. Pothos got mad at me because I had to move. But Ms. Pothos forgave me about 20 years ago and festoons half of the south walls of my entire house with her lovely self now. I've begged and pleaded with Mr. Coleus, to no avail. He loved me at first, went so far as to plaster himself all over a north window and bloomed profusely all winter. But when I moved him, he said no more of that crazy woman! I'm going to bring back still another or two of his incarnations this spring. I'll sing to him, rock him and give him the best window I own (the one I call the hospital) and I'll even pray over him. Maybe he'll forgive me this time.
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Subject: Delightful article!
Posted by oldkate (from Hillsboro, OH) on March 12, 2008 at 9:01 AM:
Meant to write this yesterday, but got busy watching gas prices rise - ACK! Lori - I'd like to see you write a series of Tales - maybe one on spider/UFO and the more traditional daylily growers getting along - or not! Generally, their owners have decided preferences. Again, thanks for an enjoyable read and I'll look forward to whatever you write.
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Subject: LOVE IT!!!!
Posted by MistyPetals (from North Augusta, SC) on March 11, 2008 at 5:58 PM:
I LOVE the way this is written. It is outstanding work. The story flows well, with its animated tone and there is an urge to contiunue reading. Briefly, this is very nicely done.
I laughed so hard, I practically fell into the computer screen. This article makes me want to go back and read the others you've written. Good work!
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Posted by McGlory (from Southeast, NE) on March 11, 2008 at 10:29 PM:
Thank you for one of the nicest compliments ever! May your gardens have their best year. :-)
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Posted by MistyPetals (from North Augusta, SC) on March 20, 2008 at 3:38 PM:
Be inspired to continue, see I can spell continue.
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Subject: Too Funny!
Posted by darius (from Marion, VA) on March 11, 2008 at 6:43 AM:
Lovely 'read' to start my day... Thanks!
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Posted by Dutchlady1 (from Naples, FL) on March 11, 2008 at 7:35 AM:
Very cute.
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Posted by vossner (from Richmond, TX) on March 11, 2008 at 9:31 AM:
simply adorable.
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Posted by joycet (from Franklin, OH) on March 11, 2008 at 10:00 AM:
There IS hope for me!! Oh yea!
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Posted by Dea (from Frederick, MD) on March 11, 2008 at 11:44 AM:
As always, just wonderful :) Thanks for a fun read !!
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Posted by critterologist (from Frederick, MD) on March 11, 2008 at 12:04 PM:
Thanks for a wonderful, charming read!
:-)
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Posted by McGlory (from Southeast, NE) on March 11, 2008 at 1:27 PM:
Wait! Listen! Do you hear that distant spinning sound? That's Charles Dickens turning in his grave at a VERY high rate of speed.
Thank you for your kind words, everyone.
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Posted by llilyfan (from South Central, IA) on March 11, 2008 at 1:31 PM:
What fun! Thanks for a great read Lori.
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Posted by mwperry (from Brandon, MS) on March 11, 2008 at 4:10 PM:
Dickens should indeed turn over in his grave. Tale of Two Cities has no fussy roses!
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Posted by jeri11 (from Central, LA) on March 11, 2008 at 5:33 PM:
Very cute!!! You'll have to keep us updated on the 2 pretties!!!
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Posted by melody (from Benton, KY) on March 11, 2008 at 9:25 PM:
Great article! loved it!
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Posted by vossner (from Richmond, TX) on March 11, 2008 at 9:40 PM:
I dunno, Dickens notwithstanding, I feel a "telenovela" coming...
Miss Dorothy Perkins becomes a traffic-stopping, raging beauty and at some point DEMANDS that Ms. Hyperactivity chooses between her and Mr. Arrogance. Meanwhile, Pinkie, once the darling of the garden, becomes a gigantic mess; a blood-sucker w/ sneaky thorns. What will Ms. Hyperactivity do? what will she do? Tune in next week.....
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Posted by jeri11 (from Central, LA) on March 11, 2008 at 10:01 PM:
That's what I'm talking about!!!!
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Posted by McGlory (from Southeast, NE) on March 11, 2008 at 10:27 PM:
You guys are too much! LOL!
Perhaps Mr. Arrogance will find himself a real bloomer, much to the consternation of Dorothy...
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Posted by mwperry (from Brandon, MS) on March 12, 2008 at 1:09 AM:
Keep it going. Love it.
Martha
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Posted by Fitsy (from Hayesville, NC) on March 17, 2008 at 8:59 AM:
Dandy, enjoyable, and - yes - instructive!
Fitsy
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Posted by adoresaiken (from Clemmons, NC) on March 17, 2008 at 8:09 PM:
Thank you McGlory for your humorous and cutie pie story! I enjoyed it very much! Thanks for not letting Dorothy lie there dying of thirst!
