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Where, Oh where, has my little plant gone? It was my pride and joy. What do I see now? Well, look for yourself: some strange brown dried up creature from outer space has eaten my beautiful plant.
I'm telling you. Really. I loved that plant the moment our eyes met. Well, the moment my eyes met its leaves. Shoot, it was beautiful before it became just another dead houseplant. I thought the love would last forever. I bought my dearly beloved everything it needed: a nice pretty pot to spend it days lounging around in, some extra nutrients to keep everything perking along, and even some fine dark robust fancy (the best my money could buy) potting soil.I found the perfect growing place for my plant, you know: Not too much sun and not too much shade. I even talked to the houseplant. I thought about leaving some Classical music on, but decided against it. Maybe that was the problem, my sweet dead houseplant longed for some beautiful music so it moved on to greener places.
The planting directions were followed perfectly, so smoothly...just like a cup of perfectly brewed coffee. Well, maybe I followed them most of the way. Okay, so I added some used coffee grinds. I was tired, so I did have another cup of coffee. Maybe there were more than a few coffee grinds, so, what's it to ya? See, this is the story: I promised to stop drinking as much coffee. You know, I once saw a kid's science project at the County Fair. "This plant was grown with coffee!" yelled the sign above the robust plant. Well, then. If some coffee was good, I decided that "Hey! lots of coffee grinds are better!". Of course, not to mentioned that I found a great place to hide the used coffee grinds from prying eyes that just have to know how many cups of coffee I'm drinking and what time I'm drinking them and how come I can't sleep at night so I'm up half the night writing articles. Oh yeah, calm, calm, calm. Must calm myself. I'm not drinking coffee so it cannot appear that my behavior suggests such a thing."Hmmmmmmmmmmmm....Hmmmmmmmmm....Hmmmmmm."
Now my gentle readers, please remember: I did not mean to harm my precious plant, so please do not turn me in to the plant rescue society. My mother loved plants and my grandpa loved plants. I guess my Great Grandma did too, because she was from Sweden. I looked her little town (Hogsby, Sweden) up on that earth (you know the one, I'm not sure that I can name it here) program and it looks to me like she must have liked plants because that is all I could see on that earth program (you know the one). I did not even see one house; everything looked like one giant shrub so plants are obviously in my family tree.
A little brown creature from outer space (or is that just a dried leaf?)
now gazes sadly at me from my plant's beautiful empty pot. That little brown creature should look sad; after all it took away the house plant that I loved so much. Next time I am in the store, looking at happy green plants with bright joyful flowers, I will remember the wizend old creature and I will promise to never buy another plant.
Actually, when plants are in one's family tree, I'm not so sure a promise like that can be kept or maybe even should be kept. So, how about some easier promises? I promise not to hide my hideous coffee grinds in the planting container. I promise that I will remember to water my plant even when life gets busy. I promise to actually give the extra nutrients to my plant instead of leaving them in my garage. And I promise that I will never, ever stop loving plants. Even after getting posion ivy one day last summer, when I was only 4 years old. Okay, give or take 40 years. But that, dear readers, is another story for another day.
For you, please remember to water your houseplants to keep them from being dead houseplants that transform into little brown creatures from outer space. Please don't make your houseplants beg for a drink as they hold little signs; "Will work for water!". Really, plants do work for you; try breathing without any plants in the world. Run for your watering can, I'll bet your houseplants need a nice drink of water right NOW! (Really, they asked me...no begged me to write this article. Plus, the little blue squares are silent sublineal messages from your little green plants. That is why it is way past Midnight Thirty and I'm wide awake writing.) Or, maybe...it is the coffee afterall...
About April Campbell
Writer, Realtor(r), Speaker, Accountant, Gardener, Teacher, Sign Language Interpreter, Friend.
Posted by pamsaplantin (from Morgantown, WV) on February 19, 2008 at 12:19 AM:
I'm going! I'm going! I've only put it off for a few days. The peace lily isn't even "resting" yet. (He's the only one that begs anyway.) Thanks for the nudge.
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Posted by Aunt_A (from Tulsa, OK) on February 19, 2008 at 3:02 AM:
Pamsaplantin...
I knew it was your houseplants sending me messages...ha,ha.
Glad you enjoyed the article. Thanks for reading it.
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Subject: Got Coffee?
Posted by oneanjl (from (AnjL) Fremont, CA) on February 19, 2008 at 12:00 AM:
Hilarious article! I suddenly have a craving for coffee and its 8PM here!
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Posted by Aunt_A (from Tulsa, OK) on February 19, 2008 at 3:01 AM:
Thanks...glad you enjoyed it. Hope you enjoyed your cup of coffee... :-)
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Subject: The worst plant killer ever
Posted by MotherDragon (from Spring, TX) on February 18, 2008 at 7:10 PM:
I had a friend whose mother gets the title of worst plant killer ever. She killed a plastic plant. She had it sitting over her butane stove and it melted. You can't get much worse than that.
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Posted by Aunt_A (from Tulsa, OK) on February 19, 2008 at 3:00 AM:
MotherDragon!
You made me laugh...thanks for the smile!
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Posted by standinntherain (from Liberty, WV) on February 19, 2008 at 7:31 PM:
Oh my gosh, that's hilarious about the plastic plant!!! And of course your article was wonderfully funny too! My plants get fish tank water..mm!! =p
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Subject: Oh! How Delightful!
Posted by HORSEWOMAN3D (from Elmendorf, TX) on February 18, 2008 at 2:02 PM:
I have had such a hard busy weekend and so many of my friends lost their parents this weekend! It was just such a bad weekend for everyone in my group! But I read your article and going to send it to everyone! It lifted my spirits so much. You truly have a gift of gab! Keep it up Auntie! You are a basket of plenty!
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Posted by Aunt_A (from Tulsa, OK) on February 19, 2008 at 2:59 AM:
Horsewoman3D:
I'm honored that I could lift your spirits. I hope things go well for you and that smiles and sunshine fill your world.
Thanks for the kind words. I hope the article filled many hearts with smiles.
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Posted by rachel211 (from Springdale, PA) on February 19, 2008 at 8:25 AM:
it was cute but rambled
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Subject: Fun article!
Posted by crashbandiscoot (from Springfield, OH) on February 18, 2008 at 11:08 AM:
I really enjoyed this, and Thank you for the smiles, I needed them.
Funny, I have a friend , who will look at her plants , with disgust, and say, "I just don't know what is wrong, I just can't understand why I can't grow a plant!" " Sandy, what's wrong with this plant?' LOL
With the soil in the pot long having blown away, I say, "needs water!" LOL
Thanks for the article!
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Posted by Aunt_A (from Tulsa, OK) on February 19, 2008 at 2:56 AM:
So welcome...I've always said that if you share a smile, you won't lack a smile.
Have a beautiful day...and drink some water today.
Thanks for the kind words.
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Subject: ROFLMAO
Posted by doccat5 (from Fredericksburg, VA) on February 18, 2008 at 1:35 AM:
What a hoot, I love your article and can certainly relate. Although I usually use plain old water to kill mine, the coffee grinds are too valuable for my compost bin!
Thanks for sharing. :)
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Posted by Dutchlady1 (from Naples, FL) on February 18, 2008 at 8:07 AM:
Very funny!
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Posted by MitchF (from Oklahoma City, OK) on February 18, 2008 at 8:30 AM:
Wonderful article, keep them coming!
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Posted by knottthemama (from Duncan, OK) on February 18, 2008 at 9:44 AM:
You may just be trying too hard. That's what my kids tell me about the fact that if I baby-sit, the baby and I will both have diaper rash in 30 minutes. My house plant, the same variety as yours and I have a years-long understanding. It thrives on benign neglect, as do I. I once had a kitchen that was 12'x24'. I placed my plant on a shelf against the winowless wall. When it started hanging down too much I put up a cup hook to support it. In 3 years we (the plant and I) had covered the ceiling and 3 walls of my kitchen. When I had to paint, my step-son and my DH simply waited until I was out, and pulled it all down and murdered it. Broke my heart. Made my plant mad at me too, and no other like it would survive in my care for years. When my son was 40, he finally told me that my plant used to hang down in the doorway of his bedroom and give him nightmares. My plant and I are back to normal now. My whole house is only 24' long now, and that whole wall is covered with my plant. We are one. We are happy. His name is Clyde. I give him about a half gallon of water every 2 weeks or so, and he gives me unlimited pleasure.
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Posted by mypondview (from Newcastle, Ontario
(Canada)) on February 18, 2008 at 10:00 AM:
Oh boy ! I can relate. But, I moved into a new house that is so light and bright that I hope to turn over a new leaf.(sorry about that.)
I was given a gorgeous Bromeliad as a house-warming gift at the beginning of September and it still has a proud but faded magnificent flower. It also has produced a pup which I intend to sever. I have become such a fan of this species that I plan to begin a modest collection. Question. Do bromeliads take a specific type of potting soil? I can't seem to find a definitive answer.
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Posted by katsu (from Columbus, OH) on February 18, 2008 at 10:26 AM:
Hilarious article!
I too feel regret over the many, many houseplants that have been cruelly slaughtered by the vicious cycle of abuse and neglect that I call "keeping houseplants".
It's gotten to the point that now, when I'm in a store, considering the purchase of one of these poor souls, I fix them with a steely stare and warn them, harshly, of their possible fate in my hands. If they appear to shrink back or wither slightly, or shiver as though from an unseen breeze, I give a hollow laugh and pass on. If they should simply stare back in a challenging manner, then I feel they may possibly be hardy enough to attempt to survive in my den of houseplant horror, and I make my purchase before the brave plant can change its mind.
I wonder why people look at me funny at the plant store...?
: )
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Posted by starlight1153 (from Seale, AL) on February 18, 2008 at 1:23 PM:
Charming article.!!!!!! Maybe that is what we all need to do, put little blue signs up with will work for water on them. Mayeb they wouldn't be forgotten as much.
Sorry ya lost the love of yoru life there, but hopefully soon another sweet thign wil catch your eye, wave its leaves and say take me home.
Thanks for the story and smiles!
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Posted by bjf826 (from Tallahassee, FL) on February 18, 2008 at 4:35 PM:
Your article make me laugh.... thanks!
Barb
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Posted by Aunt_A (from Tulsa, OK) on February 19, 2008 at 2:54 AM:
Thanks for all the kind words! Glad you enjoyed the article...I loved writing it.
For you, please remember to water your houseplants to keep them from being dead houseplants that transform into little brown creatures from outer space. Please don't make your houseplants beg for a drink as they hold little signs; "Will work for water!". Really, plants do work for you; try breathing without any plants in the world. Run for your watering can, I'll bet your houseplants need a nice drink of water right NOW! (Really, they asked me...no begged me to write this article. Plus, the little blue squares are silent sublineal messages from your little green plants. That is why it is way past Midnight Thirty and I'm wide awake writing.) Or, maybe...it is the coffee afterall...
