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After gardening for a few years, I slowly realized that we gardeners are really just masochists who happen to have a creative urge and appreciation of nature’s beauty. If we were not gardening, we would surely be engaged in some other suffering- inducing behavior. What else can possibly explain what we do?
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What other hobby or pastime ‘allows' failure like gardening? A popular mantra states that one should not give up on a plant unless he or she has killed it at least three times. Now there's a thought! Gardener's Hippocratic Oath? We gardeners have adopted a baseball batter mentality. A player who fails two out of three times is a Hall of Famer, after all, so I'll be darned if I'll give up after only two or three attempts! But if one was quilting, for example, would one out of three successes suffice? Of course not. This gardening psychosis takes otherwise sane, intelligent people and separates them from all sense of reality and cause and effect. How many times have you planted the same plant in the same area, stubbornly deluding yourself that the next time will be the charm? Better still, we insist on putting plants where we want them, not where they will grow best.  | Not dead enough yet?
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We put sun lovers in shady areas, drainage-craving plants in wet areas and acid-loving plants in alkaline soil. Then we are genuinelyupset when they don't grow. How dare they! Those of us with deer problems refuse to surrender, and will spend $100 on sprays to protect a $15 shrub. We'll show them who the boss is! Seed starters will boast that they save so much money, yet omit the ‘dollar value' of all the time and effort that goes into producing that impatiens that can often be bought for much less than a dollar each in large flats. Who among us has never ignored the plant label or description, and planted a shrub or tree whose mature size far exceeds its new home? Consciously or not, we either think that it will not actually reach that size somehow, or that we will have moved to a new house by then, leaving the problem to the new owners. (This denial is akin to putting the lid down on a toilet about to overflow, only in slow motion.) Of course, before we know it, it is indeed too big and we have to remove it entirely, pay someone to relocate it or risk serious injury and attempt the relocation ourselves. The psychosis also extends to the failure to acknowledge death. We see plants that, by all rights, should have a large ‘Do Not Resuscitate!' tag on them, offered by the big box stores or nurseries for cents on a dollar. We ‘save' them and are convinced we just scored a major coup. Little do we realize that we did the store a favor and that the employees erupted in laughter as we pulled out of the parking lot. We then get them home and gleefully give them more TLC than we give our children. And how we beam when that 10% actually make it! It's the prodigal son revisited as our loyal garden stars scream out, ‘What about us?!' I have witnessed first-hand an extreme example of the denial-of-death syndrome. My first attempt at planting a Japanese maple ended in failure, most likely due to the exposed location. I did not want to give up on it, as it had been very expensive. So I stared at it, talked to it - even in Japanese, and waited. Nothing. I prayed for it, offered quiet incantations, and even gently caressed it. Nothing. I finally brought myself to perform the feared thumbnail scratch test - a test I deemed more appropriate for some co-workers than for my precious tree. As the tip of my nail made contact with the outermost cell of the twig, the entire branch snapped off. A follow-up scratch of the trunk fared no better. It was over. Seeking closure, I asked my contractor friend, who was working on my house, to help me with the exhumation. He interjected, ‘You're not giving up on this, are you?' I simply pointed to the limb lying there. ‘That doesn't mean anything. You have a baseball bat?' Surely he did not want to play now, I thought. Maybe to help pry the tree out? ‘For what?', I finally asked. ‘I'm gonna beat it back to life.' He explained that he had saved a number of plants by beating on them, prompting a major stress response which re-animated them. Sensing I might be in the presence of a true healer, I obliged. 
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‘Okay, stand back', he said. He then beat on my poor maple for about five minutes. This is where sadist met masochist. I prayed no neighbors were witnessing this. I fretted that there was some plant abuse hotline picking up at that moment. He finally stopped and told me to give it a few days. It never did return, and so aside from still having to remove it, I had been irreparably traumatized.
Gardening masochism greatly affects our financial sense as well. We place order after order, robotically responding to the ‘I gotta have that!' compulsion. Even otherwise frugal people succumb to the ordering mania. Then the plants start to arrive. More arrive each day. You see the UPS and FedEx guys more than your family. You unpack them and then it hits you - ‘What in the world was I thinking?!!' You try to hide the plants and the credit card bills from your spouse. Eventually you get busted. ‘You didn't get more plants, did you?' ‘No, no, I swear!', you respond. ‘Then what's this?' The spouse / interrogator points to an errant plant label sticking out of your pocket. Gulp. That lapse of reasoning does not end with plants. A few years back I thought I was being smart and thrifty by having mulch delivered.Why should I pay someone to spread it when I could do it and be more careful about it to boot? Well, 25 yards and countless hours later, every cell of my body was screaming. This gardener has chronic lower back and knee problems and often comes in from gardening in real pain. My garden essentials include pain relieving pills and rub, as well as ice and heat packs. But I still do it. I have seasonal allergies and often have sneezing fits lasting five minutes. But I still do it. I am a mosquito magnet and I'm allergic to bees and carry a dual Epi-Pen with me. But I still do it. I curse the deer whose fresh poop greets me as I start my day. But I still do it. Masochist? Answering that might be painful.
This is dedicated to all my fellow gardening masochists. I truly feel your pain!
All photos by author.
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My background is in engineering, but these days I am a stay at home dad. I have always loved Nature, but had no idea when I bought my house that I would become the gardening fanatic that I have. Gardening both stimulates and relaxes me, appeals to all my senses and gives me the privilege to be part of the Nature I love.
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Subject: hahaha!
Posted by robcorreia (from San Diego, CA) on March 14, 2008 at 8:14 PM:Victor, I laughed so hard I'm almost crying! You just summarized my life! Thanks! ... Posted by victorgardener (from Lower Hudson Valley, NY) on March 14, 2008 at 8:17 PM: Glad you enjoyed it. Thank you. ...
Subject: it's great feeling not to be alone!
Posted by Yorkerjenny (from Syracuse, NY) on March 7, 2008 at 6:44 PM:Thank you so much Victor, I loved your article. I'm engineer, too. I used to be a big city girl, but vegetable gardening is more than a hobby for me now, I just go crazy about it and I don't know why. I think what we do is to teach plants how to live as human beings! I mean we don't have perfect lives, why vegetable plants have to? For example, how many times ex wives hit our heads with baseball bat to ruin our lives as much as possible? Plants are just learn to survive anyway in extreme conditions sometimes. ...
Subject: Observe do not suffer
Posted by Noturf (from Marquesas Islands
(Polynesia (French))) on March 3, 2008 at 7:19 PM:It is true that many practitioners of horticulture go through pain result of the different tasks related to the practice. However if you watch
carefully how things work in nature the time of pain will less and less. Get rid of the lawn. How many hours of quality time with your
family are wasted irrigating, fumigating, fertilizing, cutting and weeding the sterile lawn?
Plant, propagate those tolerant to disease, with beauty and tolerance to your climate, garden conditions. Avoid formal gardening
unless you do not mind endless hours pruning a silly looking topiary that may/may not be necessary. Rotate your tasks, plan the chores
avoiding more than thirty minutes doing anything. Get a comfortable sit to do planting/weeding. Work when temperature, shade will work for you....that is that for now.
...
Subject: Confessions of a gardenaholic
Posted by jsw45807 (from Lima, OH) on March 3, 2008 at 2:34 PM:Do plants follow you home like stray dogs? Or just appear like stray cats? At least that's my excuse to DH, but I don't think he buys it!
The baseball bat story is hilarious. As for hiding the receipts, I've found if you just buy a little here, then a little there, you can get away with it better!! ... Posted by victorgardener (from Lower Hudson Valley, NY) on March 3, 2008 at 4:29 PM: Aha - you have a method! Thanks - glad you liked it. ...
Subject: funny
Posted by flowerjen (from central, NJ) on March 3, 2008 at 12:00 PM:Great article Victor, too funny! ... Posted by victorgardener (from Lower Hudson Valley, NY) on March 3, 2008 at 12:08 PM: Thanks Jen. ... Posted by Sofonisba (from Putnam County, NY) on March 12, 2008 at 1:48 PM: Yeah Victor. I just got around to reading it today. That was too funny and so true.... so, so true. ...
Subject: I'm not alone!
Posted by lindanat (from Asbury Park, NJ) on March 3, 2008 at 11:25 AM:I'm going to make sure my husband reads this - he thinks I alone suffer from garen madness. I start poring over the catalogs the day after Christmas and then start ordering up a storm.
I can pass up new clothes and fine restaurants, but let me 'go along for the ride' with a friend to a nursery and it's all over. How often have those purchases ended up languishing on the side of the house or in a neighbor's garden?
Thanks! ... Posted by victorgardener (from Lower Hudson Valley, NY) on March 3, 2008 at 12:10 PM: How true! Thanks - I'm glad you enjoyed it. ... Posted by quiltygirl (from Wildomar, CA) on March 5, 2008 at 12:24 PM: I diligently planted during our first spring and summer here. After winter things started taking off. But the next 12 months were different... We had gophers, rabbits, frost and 115 degree days with wind. I could actually watch the plants curl up and die. My biggest lesson learned? Buy at the big box stores that offer refunds with your receipt for up to 1 yr.! It is hilarious when you bring in your bags of twigs and shriveled root balls and try to identify which plant goes with what on the receipt. I hope I am more successfull this year. ... Posted by victorgardener (from Lower Hudson Valley, NY) on March 5, 2008 at 12:40 PM: Hope springs eternal! ...
Subject: Living life on the edge!
Posted by chrissy100 (from Sydney
(Australia)) on February 28, 2008 at 11:12 PM:Thanks for a good laugh! mate...having been known to wave axes at stubborn plants in the past, the episode of tree battering to induce flowering was priceless . These days I just sing to them and they flower in self defence!
chrissy ... Posted by Zuzu (from Sebastopol, CA) on February 29, 2008 at 4:39 AM: A wonderful, wonderful article, Victor. The scene of that man beating the lifeless tree with a baseball bat has been printed indelibly in my mind. I resent it when my plants die for no good reason, so the idea is ludicrous and appalling, yet oddly satisfying too. ... Posted by doccat5 (from Fredericksburg, VA) on February 29, 2008 at 5:43 AM: Victor, you "scored" yet again! Great article! ... Posted by debilu (from Fingerlakes Region, NY) on February 29, 2008 at 6:08 AM: You had me laughing at 5am! Great article. ... Posted by Dutchlady1 (from Naples, FL) on February 29, 2008 at 6:17 AM: Ditto!! Thanks for the great start to my day. ... Posted by grammyphoeb (from Glens Falls, NY) on February 29, 2008 at 6:30 AM: Enjoyed the article very much! Eleanor ... Posted by svplantingfool (from South Venice, FL) on February 29, 2008 at 7:45 AM: Perfect article to get us ready for a weekend of gardening! ... Posted by Dea (from Frederick, MD) on February 29, 2008 at 9:01 AM: Priceless article - oh my, the things we do as gardeners, to ourselves and our plants - I rolled with laughter at this - thanks !!
... Posted by pixie62560 (from South China, ME) on February 29, 2008 at 9:30 AM: Great laugh this morning Victor, thank you! So how many baseball bats do you own????? ... Posted by Seandor (from Springfield, MA) on February 29, 2008 at 10:09 AM: OMG - the part about ordering plants and hiding it from dear spouse was sooooo painfully accurate! LOL ... Posted by pirl (from Southold, NY) on February 29, 2008 at 10:25 AM: Victor!!!
What a wonderful article and so true!
One aster just wasn't happy where I wanted it to grow so I moved it and still it wouldn't bloom but the third time was the charm and then it took over the entire area and ran wild. Then there are the lilies I planted in full sun only to have that little sapling take off and create a shade garden.
Very enjoyable morning read, Victor!!! ... Posted by AYankeeCat (from Bridgeport, CT) on February 29, 2008 at 10:53 AM: Waaaay to funny! Please tell me there is not a 12 step program for plantaholics. ... Posted by gloria125 (from Greensboro, AL) on February 29, 2008 at 11:46 AM: Leave it to Victor to expose an underlying psychosis!
I don't know how many times Ive killed the rose Peace! This year I bought another one! This plant is going to be blooming by July, OR ELSE! Who ever named this rose was a perverse person indeed.
Thanks,
Victor ... Posted by JasperDale (from Long Beach, CA) on February 29, 2008 at 12:40 PM: Another great read, and filled with your much loved humor!
Thanks, Victor !
Mike ... Posted by victorgardener (from Lower Hudson Valley, NY) on February 29, 2008 at 12:42 PM: Thanks all! Glad you enjoyed it. ... Posted by carrielamont (from Milton, MA) on February 29, 2008 at 1:36 PM: Ho ho ha ha hee hee, Victor, the title was not enticing, Gardener/Masochist? Certainly not me!, thought I, but then I saw our well-known humor columnist's by-line and decided to keep reading. Good thing, because I recognized myself over and over. Well, let's say I recognized the previous owners/builders of my house in the 1950's. They were already old and in a hurry; everything, in terms of landscaping, was planted too close to the foundation. Of course, everything they planted soon outgrew its appointed spot, whatever it was. Those cute little burning bushes they planted all along the house and garage are now HUGE and neither cute nor little; in fact, unlike the dwarf burning bush cultivar, ordinary burning bush is now a noxious weed in Massachusetts. Anyway, an enjoyable as well as thought-provoking article, and I thank you. x, Carrie ... Posted by Sharran (from Calvert City, KY) on February 29, 2008 at 1:51 PM: Ahh, Victor. You scored again.
I had instant success after the third replant of my first Japanese Maple. Having accomplished that, I knew I would have instant success with my second JM. It had a lovely first year. I waited attentively for it's second year, and finally after doing the scratch/ bark test and waiting well into its third year, I even called my nursery guy who pronounced it "well and truly" dead.
I now have another one in its place....in its same place. We'll see how its second year plays out.
A great read, as always, thank you. ... Posted by melody (from Benton, KY) on February 29, 2008 at 5:44 PM: Great read! We can all see ourselves somewhere within this article. I snorted tea out my nose reading about the baseball bat incident. ... Posted by carrielamont (from Milton, MA) on February 29, 2008 at 5:52 PM: LOL Mel! ... Posted by darius (from Appalachian Mtns, VA) on February 29, 2008 at 7:19 PM: LOL Victor... you've GOT OUR NUMBER! ... Posted by roybird (from Santa Fe, NM) on February 29, 2008 at 7:29 PM: Ha, ha! This explains why I spent several, miserable hours digging up day lilies and red hot poker plants to thin them but then left the rest planted in the same place so I can enjoy digging them up another time, soon. ... Posted by elsie (from Lafayette, NJ) on February 29, 2008 at 7:42 PM: Two thumbs up Victor. I thoroughly enjoyed your article. LOL ... Posted by gloria125 (from Greensboro, AL) on February 29, 2008 at 7:42 PM: Sounds like a good plan to me, Roybird. A daylily/red hot poker factory! ... Posted by roybird (from Santa Fe, NM) on February 29, 2008 at 8:58 PM: I sold some off at a garage sale, in fact! ... Posted by victorgardener (from Lower Hudson Valley, NY) on February 29, 2008 at 9:00 PM: Thanks everyone! I appreciate it. ... Posted by JasperDale (from Long Beach, CA) on February 29, 2008 at 10:19 PM: I had a good laugh at the baseball bat incident as well. Great imagery it conjures up !
I have one of those horrible fruitless Mulberry tree's in my garden, which the brown leaves hang on to for months, so I go out with a pressure nozzle to blow them off and my neighbors are ready to have me committed. ... Posted by victorgardener (from Lower Hudson Valley, NY) on February 29, 2008 at 10:58 PM: Get a bat. ... Posted by rcn48 (from Lexington, VA) on March 1, 2008 at 5:06 AM: LOL, once again, an excellent and humorous article - thanks for the laugh! ... Posted by bbrookrd (from nantucket, MA) on March 4, 2008 at 11:49 AM: Victor, Too funny and oh so true. I loved the baseball bat part as I know it is sometimes used to get a non blooming wisteria vine to bloom again, but only it is alive. Duh? Patti ... Posted by JasperDale (from Long Beach, CA) on March 4, 2008 at 12:27 PM: Good one Patti ! It's like the saying, "Why beat a dead horse?" ... Posted by victorgardener (from Lower Hudson Valley, NY) on March 4, 2008 at 12:37 PM: Thanks Patti. JD, that's exactly what my friend was doing! ... Posted by Pyewacketcat54 (from Fort Worth, TX) on March 15, 2008 at 10:31 PM: The article was a riot,but I have to ask,you know of a 12 step for us? I have done all but the bat..... and can't even go near a nursery or anywhere that sells plants without buying at least one.Glad to know it's not just me,thanks for the laughs. Becki ...
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