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Bad Gardeners

By Mitch Fitzgerald (MitchFSeptember 30, 2008
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Bad Gardeners, Bad Gardeners, what are you going to do, what are you going to do, when they come for you? Are you a bad gardener? What side of the thin blue line do you stand on? Here are some profiles of common garden criminals. See if you fit into any of them.

Gardening pictureSnip Master

Much like their ninja counterparts, these gardeners always carry their weapons with them. They are armed with baggies and pruning shears ready to heed the call of whatever plant they see. It starts harmlessly with just a little branch that needs removed in a public place, but quickly advances to garden centers and box stores. Soon they are traveling to arboretums and stunning local gardens to help the plants with a little pruning care. Image in the public domain.

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Rose Rustler

These are the garden criminals that cause the least amount of trouble. They only target one type of plant over and over again. They hit rose bushes, and it almost always starts with roses in graveyards and churchyards. Given time, they will be clipping in public rose gardens and walking along the neighborhood.  Image in the public domain.

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Wild Harvester

This is the gardener who is armed with shovel and pots in the back of their car. At the slightest site of a little blur out of the edge of their eye, they will bring their car to a screeching halt, much to the distain of the cars behind them trying to advert a wreck. The gardener will jump out of the car and, jumping with glee over everything, to rush to the plant. If the plant is the plant they think they saw, they will mark it rush back to the car and back to the plant to dig it up and take it home.

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Serial Killer

This gardener will take poison out into their garden, under the name of taking out a few bad weeds. In the process, they start spraying their wares over the whole garden and with glee they keep going, spraying over everything and anything in sight. They must, by some unseen law, get in there and spray on the nicest and biggest blooming plant in the garden. Often these gardeners will get over into the garden of the neighbors and spray a little over there too... by mistake, right?  Image in the public domain.

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Plant Woman

She is much like her counterpart, the infamous Cat Woman, and in some cases they are one and the same. Just like the cat woman gets out there and grabs every plant they can and in every way they can, the plant woman does the same thing. She buys dead and dying plants by the rack full and brings them home, orders online, and trades left and right all over the place. She is known in every forum, and part of every co-op. She brings plants to swaps in trashcans, buckets, bags, tin cans, and everything and anything else that just might hold some soil. The real danger is in the fact she affects others and soon they start adding on their own little tendencies.  Image in the public domain.

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Plant Enablers

These are the pushers in the garden world. They are the people who have all the best plants, or who know how to post images of the best plants. They are not in the market themselves but are more than willing and able to let others get in there and buy more plants. They will send members out to the plant selling wolves by leaving links on where to buy this plant or that plant, sending catalogs out, or just mentioning great sales that you just have to get a part in. These are the most dangerous villains in the gardening world, seeing they stand in the shadows waiting to drag another gardener with the must have monster. This image is in GNU Free Documentation License in http://www.wikipedia.com/.


  About Mitch Fitzgerald  
Mitch FitzgeraldI am a pentecostal preacher, gardener,husband, and a father. I love natives, daylilies, iris, and roses. I love teaching others, be they children or adults, about the garden and plants.

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Discussion about this article:
SubjectTopic StarterRepliesViewsLast Post
Bad Gardener chrissy100 34 325 Nov 15, 2010 7:02 PM
Bad girl Rene10 0 9 Nov 13, 2008 2:41 PM
HAR HAR HAR! docgipe 0 10 Oct 8, 2008 1:42 PM
Who ya gonna call? Aunt_A 1 51 Sep 30, 2008 11:49 PM
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