Some funnies for your weekend ,,,

Jesteburg-Wiedenhof, Germany(Zone 8a)

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."

The golfer glances at his golf bag.

"Some golf clubs would be nice," he says.

Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.

"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."

How do you make a vegetarian chilli?

Steal his coat.

Bob goes to see the doctor with chronic stomach pains. The doctor examines him, then looks at the x-rays.

"You have a wristwatch lodged in your stomach!"

"Yes, I know," says Bob. "I swallowed it when I was 12 years old."

"And you've never had any problems with it?"

"Well, yes," says Bob, "it's pretty difficult to wind up."

I went to the doctor today because my foot smelled of mint. Turns out I had tic tac toe.

"Must you really lick the knife?"

"Sorry, force of habit," I said, "Loads of people do it though, don't they?"

"Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor."

I never used to like warts, but they're growing on me.

I despise people who fabricate historical facts...

So did Winston Churchill's boyfriend.

Just bought a brand new bread knife ... it's the best thing since bread.

Have you noticed how the top and bottom biscuit in the packet are always broken?

I don't know why they bother putting them in.

I got in last night and asked the wife what was for tea.

"Chinese" she said.

"Ok" I replied, bowing. "Harro pretty raydy. Preese to ret me know what we eat tonigh?"

Ironically, the Hairdressers Union are against cuts

I've only ever had one splinter, hopefully it wont happen again...

Touch wood.

Warning: This movie 'MAY' contain nudity?

Either it does or it doesn't, stop wasting my time!

Difficult decisions always remind me of that Chinese chef and his frozen fish. Stuck between a wok and a hard plaice.

I once wondered why the sun always comes up every single morning and then it dawned on me.

My internet bride got delivered today, she's the WiFi always dreamed of.

I never got any sleep at all last night because my wife was tossing and turning all night.

It's my own fault for putting her in the dryer.

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.

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