odds and ends

Union City, CA(Zone 9b)

Answering Machine Messages
- Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.
- Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
- This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you and I'll think about returning your call.
- This is the refrigerator. The answering machine is busy right now, but if you leave a message, I will stick it to myself with a cow magnet.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
~Irene Peter
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
The Perfect Couple
"How is it that you never married?"
"I just never met the right woman. I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now, surely you have met at least one girl you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that, she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her?"
"She was looking for the perfect man."
That's So Rude!
One woman was talking to her friend.
"You should listen to my neighbor," she says. "She is always badmouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude!"
"Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap, but have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?"
Nagging Wife
A man and his ever nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150"?
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Running Away
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry"? he said.
"Then I'll come home and eat," bravely declared the child.
"And what if you run out of money"?
"I will come home and get some," readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty"?
"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college."
"Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~Al Capp
The Turtle Wins
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks, "What's wrong with your turtle"?
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!" replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy. You take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So, the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three, calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says, "I win!"
Special Cruise
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special. $99!"
So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am."
He grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special.
She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde.
They float side by side for awhile before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise"?
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

Austin, TX(Zone 8b)


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