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Hurricane Francis

Frederick, MD(Zone 7a)

In case you hadn't stopped by the parking lot forum, I thought I would link this to the other thread about the pending hurricane. . I hope you don't mind, darius--since it was your thread.

So.App.Mtns., United States(Zone 5b)

Thanks, although I merely started the thread that concerns all of us.

Baker City, OR(Zone 5b)

Darius, are you close to the coastline?

So.App.Mtns., United States(Zone 5b)

Depends on which coastline, MaryE, LOL. I'm about 8 hours west of the east coast of NC, and maybe 5+ hours north of the FL panhandle coast. If Frances crosses FL into the Gulf, we'll likely have considerable rain thus mass flooding. Everything runs downhill to a low point in the mountains, usually where creeks and streams cross under the roads. Opal brought 17" of rain in a few hours to us.

L.A. (Canoga Park), CA(Zone 10a)

How do you (anyone reading this) feel about evacuating? Would you go? It would take an awful lot to get me to leave my house alone. But then, I've never been in a hurricane or forest fire, either. And I don't have kids.

This message was edited Sep 2, 2004 3:46 PM

Gordonville, TX(Zone 7b)

I'd leave if I was in the direct path.

So.App.Mtns., United States(Zone 5b)

Kelli, a lot would depend on my house and the area (hurricane). If I had built it, I'd be tempted to stay if I was above the surge line... and a lot of south FL is pretty low.

I'd never mess with a forest fire!

Long Beach, CA(Zone 10b)

If Darius had built my house, I would stay too.

Otherwise, there is nothing so precious that that I couldn't just go and be happy to have my family and animals with me.

Zephyrhills, FL

I'd leave in a heart beat. I'd pack my bird, my cats, my husband and anything I did not think I could live without (not really a heck of a lot, just legal papers and some personal pictures) and I'd be long gone!

Right now my sister and her husband are in pretty much direct fire of this thing. She lives on the east coast...Ft. Pierce. They plan to ride the storm out in an American Legion hall on US 1.....right across the street from where they live, a mandatory evacuation area. I am terrified for them. They state they want to be close to their home to protect it from looters. In my mind, looters will be the least of their worries.

To me, the house, the furniture, the garden.....those are all things...and things can be replaced. Your life and the life of your loved ones cannot.

So.App.Mtns., United States(Zone 5b)

Well said, Tampasal.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Dais'!

Ottawa, ON(Zone 5a)

Tampasal, is your sister patischell (username)?

Gordonville, TX(Zone 7b)

Wish we could get these two hurricane threads merged!

Homosassa, FL(Zone 9a)

Prayers & best wishes for your sister, tampasal

Zephyrhills, FL

spklatt, no, patischell is not my sis, I kind of wish she was!! pati seems to have more sense than my sis does!!!! Both my bro and I have tried to talk her into evacuating. She thinks she knows what she is doing. I sure hope she does!!!!

Ottawa, ON(Zone 5a)

Well, we're sure thinking of you & your sis, and pati, and all our friends in Florida....people, flora & fauna!
Take care all,

Valrico, FL(Zone 9b)

For all of us facing Frances, wherever she may go.

Sometime today, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the GULF and making two basic
meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new
to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for
the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
three days
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately,statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start
with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this
insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that
might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer
not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to
pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance
business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an
insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to
the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop
you like used dental floss.

Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance
companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance
Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob
and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.


Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.

There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap.The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get
them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands
will be useless, bleeding stumps and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and
will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have
to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds!
You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in

Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You
should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you
don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).
Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly


If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at
your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your
home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic
traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand
other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.


If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute,then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to booze, food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that run out, when the
power goes off,and turn out to be the wrong size for the flashlights you
have anyway.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody
who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can
buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it
is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on
your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next
to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Oostburg, WI(Zone 5b)

ROTFLOL Chris. Really cute!! (p.s. just finished enjoying your website and I must say, VERY NICE!!

High Springs, FL(Zone 8b)

Thanks for the laugh, BT! Is that one of Dave Barry's pieces?

Gordonville, TX(Zone 7b)

Like your attitude!!!!!!

Ottawa, ON(Zone 5a)

That's hilarious! What a necessary light moment. May I forward that to my friends & relatives?


Valrico, FL(Zone 9b)

Thanks kooger the new shopping cart is done, and I'm going to try to load it this weekend. We're looking more and more like a "real" company each year. :-)

Amaryllisgal, I'm not sure. It's his style, or maybe even Tim Dorsey. It didn't have an author where I found it, and I doubt whoever wrote something like that would mind it being shared.

I have another one, that a friend wrote, that's good as well. Let me double check it to make sure it's "DG" safe. I think it is, and this guy is pretty creative.


Valrico, FL(Zone 9b)

Ok, this one was done by a friend of mine that goes by the name of TongueFu on another board that I visit. He's a really creative guy.

Fu's Hurricane Survival Guide
Hurricane Survival Guide

I. Overview

Since Floridians are subject to a Hurricane Season lasting from
January 2nd to approximately December 29th, I have compiled
this Survival Guide as a free public service.

-FuCorp assumes no responsibility for damages suffered as a result
of actually trying any of the [deleted] found herein.

II. Preparation

The best offense is a good offense. So get started early.
At the first mention of inclement weather, around January 3rd, start
cutting in line at your local gas station. This serves a dual purpose:
First, you get a full tank of gas for the upcoming emergencies and,
second, you get to practice self-preservation since the Bithlo resident
in the F-150 pick-em-up truck whom you just cut off is now coming
toward you wielding the screwdriver that he normally uses to roll up
the passenger-side window and open his PBRs.

Next, stop at The House Depot for storm-proofing supplies, generators
and chainsaws (don't forget to buy extra blades!). You should also pick
up a manual on how to construct your own backyard deck, because
you will soon find yourself with a tremendous amount of free lumber
in your yard.

On now to the discount store to purchase necessities for surviving
AFTER the hurricane.
Purchase ONLY unscented candles for power outages. Do NOT,
under any circumstances, buy candles claiming to smell like
Tropical Island Breeze, Spring Morning Mist, or Sunny Alpine Meadow.
These exotic-sounding smells are actually industry code-names for
"Whoops, we really blew it this time, this stuff smells like pasteurized,
processed, weasel turds!".
Oh sure, at first you may think "Vanilla? Well, ok, vanilla is not so bad".
Ho Ho! Just wait until day three of cloying vanilla in your nostrils,
imparting its sickly-sweet aroma to everything you eat and drink.
Vanilla-chili-cheese-dogs and vanilla-nachos with vanilla-refried-bean-dip
will not create a robust hurricane experience.

Once you've loaded your shopping cart with as many unscented candles
as it can hold, put them all back and buy flashlights and batteries instead.
What is this, the 1800s? Sheesh!
(Note: don't waste fifteen minutes yelling at a store clerk, like I did,
because they had no size "B" batteries in stock).

Next, stop at the grocery store for the all-important post-hurricane food
and beverages. The best thing about hurricanes is that, according to
Florida statutes, absolutely no dieting is permitted during and immediately
after the storm. So take this opportunity to stock up on the following
natural-disaster treats:
* Vienna sausages
(unless you're from Palatka, where they're known as "vie-EEEnah sausages")
* Spam with cheese chunks
* Chile con Queso
* Queso con Queso
* Velveeta con Velveeta
* Nacho Greasier Doritos
* Tang
* Country Buttermilk Gravy

Now you'll need to stop by the Army/Navy surplus store and pick up a compass.
This will be useful for finding your way back to your house after all the familiar
landmarks have been blown away and the women have sent you out to get the
feminine hygiene products that I forgot to tell you to buy while you were at the
discount store.

Of course, since you've now run back and forth all over town shopping for
supplies, you'll need to break in line at the gas station one more time
before heading home.

III. Hurricane Safety

With your supplies neatly stockpiled, you can now safely watch ESPN until
the hurricane actually arrives. At that crucial time, your response will depend
on whether you are male or female.
FEMALE HURRICANE RESPONSE: Fill the bathtub with water. Have flashlights
available in every room so that nobody gets stuck in the dark. Bring out the
Gameboys to entertain the older kids, sing happy songs to keep the younger
kids from getting scared. Consult the weather radio frequently for updates.
Move to an interior room, away from windows.
MALE HURRICANE RESPONSE: Put on a bright orange emergency poncho,
run out into the gale-force winds and, while avoiding the lightning and
dancing electrical cables, see how far you can lean forward into the wind
without falling over. Exaggerate later when you tell your buddies.

This was a test of the Hurricane Survival Guide Network.
If this had been an actual Hurricane Survival Guide,
you would have received valuable emergency information,
instead of foolish, possibly dangerous, advice.

Gordonville, TX(Zone 7b)

Aaaahhhhhhhh, thats great!!!

Moose Jaw, SK(Zone 3b)

See I gave good advice......go camping in a inland State! ;) Love your postings BuriedTreasure!! Stay Safe and enjoy your junk food......

Mableton, GA(Zone 7b)

I wonder how many people get stranded on the interstate with no gas. *eyeroll*
These are too funny Chris. :)

Valrico, FL(Zone 9b)

I'll bet there's a bunch.

I, like many, waited until the last minute to get gas, and was rewarded with 1.99 premium. With a hog of an old Mustang, if I fill up the day before, I'm half empty the day after. I'm a little better off, now that I've discovered 5 gallon gas cans.

Moose Jaw, SK(Zone 3b)

You definitely aren't a farm boy BT.... ;)

L.A. (Canoga Park), CA(Zone 10a)

Well, at least you have cheap gasoline, BT.

Valrico, FL(Zone 9b)

I'd have to sell my car, to buy gas in CA, Kelli.

L.A. (Canoga Park), CA(Zone 10a)

Gas is $1.99 a gallon for the lowest octane and that is the cheapest I've seen around here. Last week we went on vacation about three hours to the north of here, and the cheapest gas was like $2.45 a gallon!

Hackettstown, NJ(Zone 6a)

Got me holding my sides , BT. Stay safe

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