The Horse Manual of Appropriate Behaviour
SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is you duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.
NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially very late at night.
STOMPING CATS: When standing on cross ties, make sure you never --- quite --- stomp on the barn cat's tail. But keep stomping.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the architectural industry.... chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item.
BEDDING: It is good manners to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.
Feel free to add any of your own rules...
DINING: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they bought you as a two-year-old, right?).
DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is an opportunity for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will happily chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.
HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a big hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over. They won't notice this if you carefully arrange little piles of dirt. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss, and impresses your human.
NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you!
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, advance swiftly, stamp your feet, and neigh louder to show your concern.
You've probably already seen this... horsey humor....
The Horse Manual of Appropriate Behaviour
O, I have some horsey jokes too! We can use this as the horse joke thread!
A Horse's View of the World
· Arena: Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
· Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the sensitive tissues of the mouth.
· Bucking: counterirritant
· Crossties: Gymnastic apparatus.
· Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.
· Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing.
· Grain: Sole virtue of domestication.
· Hitching rail: Means by which to test one's strength.
· Horse trailer: Mobile cave bear den.
· Hotwalker: The lesser of two evils.
· Jump: An opportunity for self-expression.
· Latch: Type of puzzle.
· Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
· Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding.
· Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds.
· Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner; useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.
· Trainer: Owner with mob connections.
· Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture
How to interpret classified horse ads
· BIG TROT: Can't canter within a two mile straightaway
· NICELY STARTED: lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet
· TOP SHOW HORSE: won a reserve champion 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to tornado warnings
· HOME BRED: knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch
BIG BONED: good thing he has a mane and tail, or he would be mistaken for a cow
· NO VICES: especially when he wears his muzzle
· BOLD: runaway
· GOOD MOVER: runaway
· ATHLETIC: runaway
· NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER: runaway
· SHOULD MATURE 16 HANDS: currently 13 hands, dam is 14.2, sire is 14.3 hands,every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 15 hands, but *this*horse will defy his DNA and grow.
· WELL MANNERED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week
· PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bitten, or kicked anyone for a month
· RECENTLY VETTED: someone else found something really wrong with this horse
· TO GOOD HOME ONLY: not really for sale unless you can 1) pay twice what he is worth 2) are willing to sign a 10 page legal document 3) allow current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night
· LIGHT CRIBBER: we can't afford to build anymore fences and barns for the buzz saw
· EXCELLENT DISPOSITION: never been out of the stall
· CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS: clippity clippity is the sound his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him.
Oooo the classified ads one.... they say to every joke there's a grain of truth... or a boulder!
The only one I know is: To make a small fortune in horses, start with a large fortune.
Thanks for sharing always love a nicker}}}
Here's one for you
Auction - A popular, social gathering where you can change a horse from a financial liability into a liquid asset.
Barn Sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly.
Big Name Trainer - Cult Leader: Horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children's college funds and their IRA's to support them- as they have a direct link to "The Most High Ones" (Judges).
Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.
Colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows.
Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly. (also see Filly)
Contracted foot - The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot.
Corn - small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of cowboy boots.
Drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he administers mineral oil to his horse.
Endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.
Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crowhop, shy and buck his way around a show ring.
Feed - Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure.
Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding).
Filly - What your mare always gives you when you want a colt.
Flea-bitten - A condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who also own dogs and cats.
Flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished.
Founder - The discovery of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like-"Hey, honey, I found'er."
Founder (2): A condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving dinner
Frog - Small amphibious animal that emits a high-pitched squeal when stepped on.
Gallop- The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn
Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.
Girth Sores- Painful swelling and abrasion made at the point of mid-section by fashionable large western belt buckles.
Green Broke - The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the ‘Big Name Trainer.'
Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.
Grooms - Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn chairs and show bills.
Hay - A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.
Head Shy - A reluctance to use the public restrooms at a horse show. Always applies to pit toilets.
Head Tosser - A blonde-haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the barn.
Heaves - The act of unloading a truckful of hay.
Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.
Hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.
Hoof Pick - Useful, curbed metal tool tuilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoes.
Horse shoes - Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to throw.
Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate pasture fencing.
Jumping - The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.
Lameness - The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.
Lead Rope - A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns. Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag.
Longeing - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.
Manure spreader - Horse traders
Mosquitoes - Radar equipped blood sucking insects that typically reach the size of small birds.
Mustang - The type of horse your husband would gladly trade your favorite one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8.
Overreaching - A descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit cards are in by the end of show season.
Parasites - People that get in your way when you work in the barn. Many gather in swarms at horse shows.
Pinto - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean grey horse that was left unattended in his stall for ten minutes.
Pony - The true size of the stallion that you bred your mare to via transported semen-that was advertised as 15 hands tall.
Proud Flesh - The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes.
Quarter Cracks - The comments that most Arabian owners make about the people who own Quarter Horses.
Quittor - A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns.
Race - What your heart does when you see the vet bill.
Rasp - An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the nuckles.
Reins - Break-away leather device used to tie horses with.
Ringworms - Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail sides at horse shows.
Sacking out - A condition caused by Sleeping Sickenss (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.
Saddle - An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.
Saddle Sore - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show.
Sleeping Sickness - A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.
Splint - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.
Stall - What your truck does on the way to a horse show, fifty miles from the closest town.
Tack Room - A room where every item necessary to work with or train your horse has been put, in a place which it cannot be found in less than 30 minutes.
Twisted Gut - The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show.
Versatility - an owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon.
Vet Catalog - An illustrated brochure provided to stable owners that features a wide array of products that are currently out of stock or have been dropped from a company's inventory.
Weaving - The movement a horse trailer makes while going down the road with a rambunctious horse in it.
Whip Marks - The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low hanging branch go. (Also caused by a wet or dry horse tail across the face while cleaning hooves.
Windpuffs - Stallion owners. Also applied to used car salesmen.
Withers - The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.
Yearling - the age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously.
Youngstock - A general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground.
Zoo - The typical atmosphere around most horse farms
These are things that the Masters (the horse) wish their Slaves (humans) to write 100 times on the blackboard.
Hay is a free choice item. I buy the hay for my master so my master will now choose when she gets it.
I (the master) choose the trail at all times.
I promise I will never have my Master palpitated again.
I promise to find a way to trim my Master's feet without picking them up.
I promise to share my: hamburger(s), pizza, potato chips, and candy equally with my master.
I vow to find a way to administer shots/wormers/medications in yummy Peanut Butter Cups.
I will allow my master to enter the house (tent) whenever she wants.
I will allow my master to take any jumps he wishes, whenever he wishes, at whatever speed he wishes forever more.
Okay, not a joke, but I find pretty amusing - you can now dress to match your horse. State Line Tack has matching vests for their light pastel saddle blankets ..... mmm.
"But what if I'm a Winter and my horse is a Fall???"
OK!!! I am new to this thread, But that is PEEEERFECT!!!!!! I love to laugh and you all DID IT!!!! Right On!!! By the way... Withers = or be riding your wonderful, beautiful, elegant mare.... with the WRONG SADDLE!!!!!!!
I just found this thread. We need amusment when dealing with our friends(masters). Great laughs.