This new topic started here http://davesgarden.com/community/forums/t/824761/#new
Leeflea51, I think you're absolutely right about your situation being a temporary one and you're trying to navigate your way around it. DH and I were in therapy for other things, but this was one of our problems. Our therapist suggested I have a sign made that basically says "Keep out!" so I can shut my door and not worry about being disturbed when I want to spend time alone. My sign says it a little more delicately: "Hope you don't mind...I'm focusing." Works well for us except when I forget to put it up. LOL
Newly retired husbands/partners don't have much to do and nobody to boss around, so they focus on the poor wife who's been there all along doing everything herself. It does get worked out, otherwise there would be more divorced newly retired couples!
This message was edited Aug 21, 2008 4:39 PM
Newly retired hubby getting under my skin
This new topic started here http://davesgarden.com/community/forums/t/824761/#new
My sister in law went thru that. She had raised two kids, paid all the bills, even took charge of building their new home... and then (shark music from jaws... ) Her husband came home full time from driving truck over the road. Thought there was going to be a divorce for a while there. It is not an easy adjustment at all.
We are together 24/7 for 26 years. I think it is easier as we do our own thing, ignoring the other unless needed. We don't even have much to say as we work together, chat with the same customers, etc. Never would have believed I would say it is easier! In the early years, it was a real struggle... LOL
I really do think it is the men adjusting to time at home, and you know, it is a big adjustment; no work mates to chat with PLUS the joy of all that home time they haven't had for years.
I think the best thing is to give it a little time (making sure you keep your own interests going - like lunch once a week with 'the girls' for instance) and then gently start suggesting outside activities for him.
Dear revclaus, Yes I do see the purpose of the hyperlink you provided. I thought I was being screamed at. As I am new to this site, I'm certain to make mistakes. Re: Sign. It does sound like the thing to do for you and others. I might consider it. I have the computer in the room in which I grow my orchids, in which he has no interests, so seldomly does he come in here. If he does so while I'm on the computer, he pays little attention to what site I'm on and it's usually on Wed. when he puts a garbage sack for pickup the following day. From my experience, I've found most things in life fit into that category. As a former R.N., I found that to be so most of the time. It's good that so many people are open about going to therapy. When I first was diagnosed with manic-depression, which was in 1986, some people told me to not tell people. I did not heed their advice as I try to be as open about my life as I deem appropriate. Rational Emotive Therapy (RET) has been most useful, esp. of late with He Who Wishes I'd Obey aka the recent retiree. I suppose retirement for both the retiree and the persons around him is a significant life event, such as death of a loved one, changing jobs, divorce, etc. and it just takes time for all to adjust. Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon. I'm glad I came to the hyperlink you suggested for at first I had gotten my hackles raised. My apologies for having misinterpreted. Leeflea51
Well I ended up having to tell my DH when he retired that I had married him for Better or Worse and NOT for lunch. It finally sunk in and we are able to get through the days quite well now - we each do our own thing and often don't cross path until later inthe afternoon. It will get better believe me, you just have to set some ground rules.
Podcaster, Dutchlady, and Kidneyguy, all of you posted great things. As I said to revclaus, it is probably temporary as we have to navigate life, so often day to day and minute by minute. Good seeing the posts. Leeflea51
Oh good. Seems that everyone is making use of this new thread. Thank you for starting it for us, Rev.
I hope that everyone will have a very enjoyable weekend.
See, leeflea51? Not only do you still have us, but you've got more help! Sounds like we're all somewhat familiar with your situation, and can commiserate. I'm so glad that you and HWWIO had a talk, I expect there are more to come. Sometimes it takes a few times to get things really thru to someone. Like everything else worthwhile, it takes time. There are lines to be drawn, and (I'll bet) crossed, and re-established. At least, that's how it's been for me. Leeflea51, "mine" is also not a husband, but a long term friend.
Your Orchid Haven sounds like a good place to have. Of course, that's where DG is, so what could be better?
Keep in touch,
Oh, catmad, thanks for your response. I was starting to feel like a lonely little petunia in an onion patch. As I posted to rubyw, I'm just stressed the a.m. My computer crashed about an hour ago and have spent the last 45min. on the phone with ATT and the very kind technician helped me reconfigure the system. As I am new to all this, I thought I had torn up the computer that HWWIO bought me. Again thanks and I wish you a very warm Mississippi hug. Leeflea51
Glad you got it back up:). I hate it when that happens, and it's a struggle...if it's really bad, I have to call my brother. And, since he's my "little" brother, I have to listen to his silent giggles as he asks if it's plugged in.....:(.
catmad, good of you to respond. I think I just got slapped down again on the orchids forum. See response from RUK. I'm not going to let trivial things bother me, so I think I'll go make some apricot fried pies. Leeflea51
It amazes me how different the various forums are in personality.
I wonder how its going to be when I retire. My DH has been on his own at home
for just about a year now. So we'll have the opposite experience as so many of
you have had. I'll be coming into his turf. Though I do hope he gets very used to
cleaning the house... I won't fight him over that job. LOL
Can't blame you for letting someone else do the housework Tammy. ha-ha There are certain chores that I hate with a passion. Dusting is one that I particularly hate doing. I have been very fortunate the past few years with having someone come in once a week to help me clean the house. She does a good job and the house always sparkles for a time after she leaves. Today is her day too. Yippie!!!
I am almost 53 years old and haven't worked outside of the home since the early 1990's. This is due to health issues. The health has greatly improved without the added stress of having to hold down a job. My husband has been working from home for about three or four years now. Sometimes that is too close for comfort. He makes amny trips inside during the day and sometimes I find that a bit annoying. It is not horrible, horrible just a bit of a bother every once in a while.
My husband has been retired for a long time, and I've worked from home for a long time. We've had to make accommodations, but the secret is talking about it and working it out. We've done pretty well, although I do wish I could have some time and space of my own. When I think of being completely alone after he's gone, my present need doesn't count for much. So I'll take what we have and be grateful this is the worst problem we face.
I love my DH. But when I retired, I soon fell into the large cooked meal at noon syndrome. I did not retire to cook!. Do you know how much time it takes to make fresh cucumber chips, peeled thinly sliced, dipped in egg and crumbs and fried to perfection. He eats them with maple syrup. I think they are gross - he loves them. Geez - they are low in calories and all - but what waste of time.
For his next birthday, give him cooking lessons.....
I have NEVER heard of anyone deep frying cucumber chips. And with maple syrup they cannot be all THAT low in calories LOL.
I never did either - he heard about it from a friend. The maple syrup is that sugar free artificial stuff that he uses.
I have been taking a lot of the cucumbers into the Senior center. I am taking computer lessons there. They say they are going to teach us to make a web page. We'll see.
The classes are set up for seniors, who get a new computer from their kids so they can keep in touch and share photos, etc. The seniors don't use it because they are afraid they will break it. So they start off teaching them how to turn it on and off, use Microsoft Word and the internet. They have advanced classes for photoediting, organizing and building a web page.
Shoot ~ I'd never get past DG to learn the rest of that stuff! LOL
podster, that is what I have been doing - DG for a few years now. But I want to learn more and we don't garden in the late fall and winter - snow is too deep. LOL
That would be a perfect time to snowbird south. I grew up in the midwest and although I don't miss the snow and ice, I never seem to get caught up on my reading. Couldn't be DGs fault... 8 )
I came home from computer class last week, about 1 hour late as I did gas up the vehicle and do some shopping. Husband was sitting watching TV at 12:30. I asked him what he made for his lunch. He started out "Well I thought I'd wait until you came home.... didn't want you to have to eat alone...." etc. I said - "Your are waiting for me to come home and feed you" You are not a dog,. And I had to laugh about it. I love him dearly and appreciate every day I have with him. Just have to 'FEED ME, SEMOUR, FEED ME.)
Boy, I have so many friends that have come very close to divorce over these adaptation issues when retirement comes. I think you pretty much have to renegotiate the whole relationship, since so much has changed. But the sooner you face it, the sooner it'll start getting better.
I remember when my Dad retired, he and my step-mother (we called them Mutt & Jeff, if anyone remembers that cartoon - he was 6'2", she 4'11") had some hard times. He'd start telling her how she should be doing things to make them simpler, more efficient etc. TWICE he re-arranged the kitchen when she was out, putting spices in alphabetical order (only a man could think that was efficient) and so on, always with everything she used often at a height that meant she had to get out a step stool to reach it. She was just crazy with frustration, but all she did was complain to me. She was of a generation who thought that you shouldn't - or couldn't - tell a man to butt out or otherwise curb his annoying behaviour. And he continued to delude himself, thinking he was such a hero for being so helpful and tolerant of her little 'quirks' like wanting to have things where she could actually reach them.
I don't think they ever did talk it over and work it out and she died a very few years later, but it was a miserable few years from what outsiders could see.
So, please, make it a priority to have an ongoing renegotiation of together time, chores, private space and so on. Don't waste the time that should be the best in letting these annoyances build up.
At least, that's my advice if you still like each other. I'm also amazed at the number of friends who discover, when they have time to spend together finally, that they really don't even like each other anymore and have nothing in common. And they still stay together, since they'd rather be miserable with company that risk stepping out and forging a new life and having a chance at contentment.
Sorry - aren't I just a little ray of sunshine tonight?
I just so hate to see folks wasting time. If it's fixable, get your butts in gear and fix it. Time is precious. If it's not fixable, move on. Peace of mind is precious too.
cyber, marriage is an education, all down the line. Since I retired my husband and I worked out a few things. He doesn't mess with my stuff. He IS allowed to clean the stovetop down with stainless steelcleaner - he has more power in his hands than I do.
He loves pies. He is allowed to peel apples and clean them so when I get home and see a bag of apples in the refrigerator I can get out some Betty Crocker pie crusts, slice the apples into the pie shells and make him a pie.
At 82 yrs. of age, he runs the lawn tractor to cut the grass, and fills up the push mower so I can do the trimming, If it won't start, he will ge t it going.
If I have shrubs that need trimming and my hands cannot stand the pressure of the clippers, he will gt out his little power saw and trim them.
He is in charge of burning the paper and taking out the garbage on a daily basis.
Works for me.
Thanks se-eds, we both recently retired, but having worked together most of our married life it's perhaps easier for us than some. TV on during the day drives me nuts and I'm sure many of my favorite routines do likewise, but for the most part we work out staying out of each other's way most of the day. Fortunately my husband likes to stay busy, so far there are enough projects to keep us both busy and when that fails, hopefully we'll find more time to travel if gas prices allow. Our working together has taught us to work at finding roles that help each other rather than destroying the time we have been given together.
Se-eds and Eden, both of these posts are full of encouragement for those who are new at this game. Just goes to show you that a happy retirement is possible if worked at. Thanks for sharing.
I would rather have my retired husband getting under my skin and home with me than pushing up dasies or Lord forbid, taking off with another woman.
LC2sgarden - you said it very well!!!!!!!!!!!
I read through the comments here and wondered what it would be like - to have a partner here to share the golden years. Too late for that - and so I focus on the good parts of it but oh my -
A couple retirement comments from a guy's perspective.
1. After working for many years a guy attains a position, title, duties and responsibilities, often a desk that is 'home' 40 or more hours a week.
2. After the retirement party is over and the gold watch put away he is faced with the prospect of being cut adrift. No title, no place he has to be at 8:00 every day. No responsibility to employer or public, and no routine to fill his day.
In spite of love for wife and family there is a feeling of abandonment and depression. Unless there is something to fill that void he will be a bear to live with. Not every guy has hobbies and diversions to focus on and it is not uncommon for many of those retirees who merely sit around the house to die too early. One size does not fit all, but often retirement is a very significant change that short circuits a guys emotional makeup. It takes caring, consideration and cooperation on both side to come up with a 'cure'. Being "needed" at home was probably something so ingrained that it was second nature. Not being "needed" to fill a job position is something else. Like 'you can go now, we don't need you anymore, you are no longer of any value'.
Obviously doesn't fit everyone, but I think it may be a perspective that many people fail to take into consideration. The first year is often the most difficult. Hope I didn't offend anyone.
I think it's very good to highlight 'the other side'. And women who have been home full-time tend to often resent the 'intrusion' into what they consider 'their' space.
It takes working on it from both sides, as you say.
balvenie, you're absolutely right! Without a full and active life BEFORE retirement, you won't have a full and active life after retirement. If only we'd learn that earlier in our lives and not have to find out the hard way. The trick is for both spouses to realize that they're in the transition of a lifetime, much more difficult than getting married, which usually happens when you're younger and not so stuck in your ways. Both spouses have to learn new ways and talk about it together, maybe with a third party (like clergy, therapist, good friend) to work out how they want to live the rest of their lives together the best they can, instead of spending their time resenting reality.
Not to be patronizing but I must admit, I find it refreshing to have both sides represented. The reason being as many years as we have been married, I still would love to know what goes on in DHs mind. LOL
Life is backward... when we are young and flexible, we should be retired and enjoy things together. As we age, we should go to work to feel and be needed.
Will be married for 48 years this coming June. Retired now in the third year. What a good surprise. For the majority of our lives Mike either worked 60+ hours on the clock or for 32 of the last years he traveled 4-5 days a week. I am sooo glad to have him with me that I don't want him gone at all. He plays golf with long time friends that are also retired about once every one to two weeks. I have lots of hobbies and friends but their husbands are recently retired as well. Even the loud snoring is a good sound. I know he is close to me. Can't stand the thought of him being----gone.
Well... we're gonna have a role reversal vs most of you folks. My DH retired a year and a half ago.
I'm working 60hrs a week. Thankfully I have a wonderful hobby - gardening! And I imagine myself
volunteering or picking a lower stress second career when I'm ready to say goodbye to this rat race.
Very valid point balvenie. Lots of other wisdom written here today also. I agree with your backward idea Podster. Makes a lot of sense to me. ha-ha
As a solo woman, now retired, this brings up a lot of painful reminders .......snoring, partnership, and all those wonderful points of being part of a couple....something I have been without for nearly two decades now. Wow - how quickly time passes.
As for retiring, I made my "Bucket List" - 9 years ago and long before a movie by the same name was released or even written. Regardless of gender or marital status, one needs to have some kind of plan for those years after retirement.
I love this thread!!! My husband retired a year ago and I had been retired for 2.5 and love it. i am poor but love it. Big adjustment!!! Dh drives me crazy for a while but now after retirement he plays golf 4-6 days a week and so i have a lot of time alone. He loves to clear the garage and had donated 60 pairs of my shoes once and threatened to kick him out of the house if he does it again. I had to compromise that I clean my closet everytime our church has a garage sale and it had worked.
This message was edited May 9, 2009 1:28 PM
I so enjoy having my DH retired. He's so much happier and he can run the little
errands that were so difficult when we both worked. He takes the cats to the vet.
We used to run home, pack 'em up, go to the vet and get home after 8pm. He
can pick up the odds and ends from the grocery store or whatever so I can come
straight home or skip the trips on the weekend.
Yep - retirement can be wonderful.
Really nice to hear two reports of things working well in the retirement realm.