Desperate Measures

Ennis, MT(Zone 4a)

We all find ourselves doing utterly bizarre things from time to time, just trying to keep our lives rolling along. Or maybe I am only speaking for myself here...

Anyway, this neighbor of my daughter's on Whidbey Island recently had coyotes stealing his chickens. So just at the first edges of dawn he went out with his shotgun. White feathers were flying in the near darkness and he strained his eyes until he finally could see the shape of the coyote.

He flipped the safety off, the coyote heard the sound, and off he ran with the white chicken. He jumped over the wooden fence, encountered another coyote, and the two began fighting over the chicken.

The neighbor was elated, figuring he would get one or both with one shot. He fired. The noise brought his son flying out of the house. "Dad! What are you doing?!?"

He explained and told the kid to go around the fence and see how many he had gotten. The son came back and told his dad, "I think you were just dreaming. There are no coyotes but just one white chicken with a big hole in it."

Santa Fe, NM

Good story. Very funny, too. I am beginning to think I am going nuts from covering the clematis vines, some tulips and some pots of cornflower, etc. seedlings Every Night it goes down below 32 degrees which has been Every Night for 2 weeks. It was warmer in February. I'm spending about half an hour a day just covering and uncovering things. There is apparently no end in sight. Even 30 would be o.k., I think. But, we keep going down in the teens and 20's!

Ennis, MT(Zone 4a)

Hang in there, sooner or later it will warm up and you will love your plants.

Los Alamos, NM(Zone 5a)

Hate to be a curmudgeon, but some people aren't smart enough to own guns. Shoot before you can see what is happeneng? Luckily all he got was a chicken, but poor chicken! That person's gun license should be revoked.

Ennis, MT(Zone 4a)

You are entirely correct, Paj.

Albuquerque, NM(Zone 7b)

I wish the system worked that way and for other dangerous things (like cars) too. All they seem to do is make it more difficult and/or expensive to get a license but they won't take one away until the 13th offense, and then the person keeps using it anyway.

Ennis, MT(Zone 4a)

No kidding. It is an imperfect system, to speak euphemistically.

Albuquerque, NM(Zone 7b)

The story reminds me of Don Quixote de la Mancha. The kids played Sancho Panza.

Ennis, MT(Zone 4a)

Pretty much, except less perhaps less pure.

Albuquerque, NM(Zone 7b)

It is certainly presented that way in the book. I think part of it is the way Quixote saw himself and part of it is from the author to provide a sense of detachment so we can laugh at the story. In reality, if we had a guy trying to scewer buildings or other structures with a long spear in our neighborhood, claiming they were giants (or coyotes), we might not think he was so pure.

Santa Fe, NM

Wasn't the genius who tried to shoot down a police helicopter in Albuquerque? This was some time back and it might have been a forest service helicopter. He was disturbed by the noise or having post traumatic stress. Luckily, no one shot him back.

Reno, NV

Hmm. Long spear welding maniac in the neighborhood. Sounds like you've met us;)

Santa Fe, NM

That reminds me of the time my step father, a chef, decided to have a roast suckling pig for Christmas dinner. He went to a farm and bought a pig which he decided to butcher himself, in our suburban back yard. He tried chasing the pig with a knife but couldn't catch up. A bunch of neighborhood boys tried to help him but still no luck. He finally got tired, borrowed a revolver from a friend and shot the animal! It was served with an apple in it's mouth. I was utterly traumatized and it is a wonder I have not gunned down any chefs yet! and can still eat bacon. Except, it was pretty funny. You can imagine all the people standing on their diving boards to look over the fence!

Los Alamos, NM(Zone 5a)

What a great story, roybird! I have an old Escoffier cookbook which shows a cartoon of a maid -- hat and frilly apron and all, standing next to a large pot with a lobster in one hand and a revolver in the other. Luckily, it couldn't run as fast as a pig.
The reason you can still eat bacon is because it is so delicious. It has the ability to overcome childhood trauma!

Ennis, MT(Zone 4a)

That certainly fit the topic "Desperate Measures." Had me laughing, but I can see how it could traumatize a kid.

Santa Fe, NM

I was very upset at the time. My younger brothers, however thought it was hysterical. My mother avoided the entire performance by going shopping. Dysfunctional? You bet. I tried to sell my youngest brother to a neighbor once but that was not traumatic, for me anyway!

Ennis, MT(Zone 4a)

Did you get your price?

Santa Fe, NM

Good question! No, they sweetly declined and told my mother. Luckily, everyone thought it was funny. I was around 7 and he was 2. I was in to selling things at that time. I think I was just getting a concept of money. My littlest brother was very cute but I had to take care of him more than I liked!

Los Alamos, NM(Zone 5a)

Truth be known, probably lots of adults would like to sell their two year olds -- and take them back when they reach the adorable threes.

Albuquerque, NM(Zone 7b)

I feel like I virtually have met you duchess.

Funny story roybird. Why did your Dad let the pig loose in the first place?

Two year olds never bothered me. I remember my daughter going through the "I don't like the word no" stage. She tried telling us no. Once. So she reconsidered and decided she could tell the new puppy no. The dog was ~6 months old and just blew off my daughter. She esclated on the word no to get the dog to listen and it came as Noah, which is how we named the dog. It was funny to tell people "No, the dog wasn't named after the guy with the ark. He was named after the word "no" by our daughter."

Ennis, MT(Zone 4a)

I love the dog named Noah!

And, Dparsons, are you saying that purity is only in the eye of the beholder?

Santa Fe, NM

My step father let the pig loose because he had no idea of how to kill a pig or any other animal! He was a chef and knew how to cut and cook meat but the rest of the process was new to him. Why he decided to do it, I have no idea. Cute story about your daughter and the dog! By the way, it was above freezing last night and I did not cover anything! All is well this morning.

Los Alamos, NM(Zone 5a)

Normal people who buy pigs take them to a butcher to be slaughtered. Or they learn how to do it. Running around the back yard with a loaded revolver is unsafe and probably illegal, if fired.

Santa Fe, NM

I said it was Dysfunctional! Undoubtedly there were many possible bad outcomes. I have a dark sense of humor even (especially) about my own traumas.

Ennis, MT(Zone 4a)

A sense of humor is essential for such things.

Ennis, MT(Zone 4a)

Desperate measures usually are dysfunctional, which is what makes them funny anyway...

Santa Fe, NM

Humor is often found on the edge of disaster. Think of Buster Keaton, the Marx brothers, and so forth. Or David Sedaris, for that matter.

Santa Fe, NM

You know, I just thought of something. I don't remember seeing the pig get shot. That happened later and I suspect Mom came home and made all the kids go inside. My step father was utterly crazy but probably not shooting at a pig in a yard full of hyper excited children. I do remember very well, him chasing the pig with a knife all over the yard with the kids and the neighbors, etc. He was a fat man and always wore old tuxedo pants and a white under shirt with house slippers at home. l.o.l. Think Jackie Gleason with a European veneer!

Ennis, MT(Zone 4a)

What a picture!

Helena, MT(Zone 4b)

Roybird, this is all quite a revelation to me. Such a wild, dark, dangerous past you have. So did you become PQO out of rebellion?
(PQO = proper, quiet and orderly)

Los Alamos, NM(Zone 5a)

roybird, has been riding those dragons and getting speeding tickets on them for a long time. Something in her head slipped after the Jackie Gleason step-dad. Don't believe this PDQ facade for a minute, if any of you did. Why do you think she needs camoflage! And there is yet more than I am willing to tell!

Ennis, MT(Zone 4a)

Please do tell us all.

Remember, I said her proper, quiet and orderly was well hidden, didn't I?

Santa Fe, NM

I think I've said enough! I was not a proper, quiet and orderly person until I met D.H. who has had a remarkable influence on me. Perhaps it is something he puts in my food! And the 10 years or so of tai chi and Taoist meditation may be starting to sink in. Also, I am getting older and am losing my taste for drama. Though I can certainly appreciate good stories!

Reno, NV

ROFLOL! Oh wow. You guy are wild;)

We still have the box of doom sitting in the garage at our place. We've been involved in ren fairs and have collected lots pointy things. When we moved is when we realized just how big the box o doom is. 4 ft x4ft box full of gladiator swords, hand and a half swords, bows, knives, spears, you name it. Good arsenal if we ever have to take down zombie hordes.

Calgary, AB(Zone 3a)

Or killer crickets!!!

Helena, MT(Zone 4b)

Duchess, are/were you active in the SCA? That stuff sounds like SCA gear.

Ennis, MT(Zone 4a)

Definitely sounds SCA.

Denver, CO(Zone 5b)

OMG... the SCA.

Calgary, AB(Zone 3a)

Is this somethine like "If I tell ya, I have to kill ya'? Just wonderin if I should be prepared to die in a second. Just wonderin.

Gastonia, NC(Zone 7b)

Always be prepared for that. After all.

Especially now that we know.

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